It was New Year’s Eve and I was celebrating it with my colleagues. It was a beautiful night… a night full of hope and celebration. Every New Year’s Eve makes you feel this way. It gives you undue hopes about a better year. You tell yourself that this year will be different - things will finally look up, you will change your ways, eat healthy, start to work out, strive towards being a better person… but come February and nothing’s changed. However, this story isn’t about failed expectations or relationships, this is about him and me, and how he did the right thing that night.
I had recently broken up with my long-term boyfriend and all I was looking for was emotional company. I missed having someone in my life. When you are used to having that one person in your life and you suddenly break up, the void becomes a little too real. So, there I was, trying to fill this miserable void, and as wrong as this sounds, maybe I was just looking for a rebound. I found it in Animesh.
He was my colleague and we had always been on good terms. He was handsome in his own rugged way; his beard made him appear sexier than he actually was. He was an artist, a musician and a writer, and there was definitely something attractive about him. I don’t remember who started it but we started joking about kissing each other. We’d threaten each other saying, “Don’t irritate me or I will kiss you,” and somehow between all this drama, I developed feelings for him.
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One day when a bunch of us from work had gone out for a Friday night, we actually kissed. The jokes had suddenly fallen flat and had turned into something serious. I wanted to kiss him, hold him, be around him... And when he kissed me, I realized it was too late to reverse things. We weren’t just going to be work friends anymore. We had progressed to something else. We never said it out loud to anyone but we didn’t have to. We were happy with each other. We would find reasons to be around each other at work and I was falling for him a little more, every day. I wasn’t looking for anything serious and neither was he, but if it had turned into something serious, I wouldn’t have minded.
On that New Year’s Eve, people from our office decided to party together. Like every other party, there was a lot of drinking and stupid dancing involved. The clock struck 12 and we kissed. He was always a beautiful kisser. After the party, we went over to a colleague’s place to crash for the night and the two of us slept in the drawing room, while others were in another room.
That night, under the sheets for the first time, I could feel his skin against mine. We had never shared a bed before and hadn’t ever come that close to intimacy. I ran my hands over his muscles and realized just how sexy he was. We kissed each other passionately and soon we were taking each other’s clothes off. I could see him in all his naked glory and I really wanted him. However, I suddenly felt extremely nervous. At the back of my mind I was thinking, “It’s too early, this isn’t right... you have got to take your time with this.” But the body wants what it wants and all sense and logical reasoning seemed to be slowing escaping me. He was on top of me and I looked at him. I could slightly feel his breath over my face and I knew it would be okay. No matter how the night ended… it would be wonderful. How would it not be? We liked each other and we were going to make love and that is always beautiful. But to my surprise, he stopped and didn’t go any further.
He told me that we shouldn’t because we were both drunk and it wouldn’t be special. That it wasn’t the right time or the right place. That he wouldn’t feel right about it and we would regret it the next morning.
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The next morning when I woke up, I did come to realize that I would have regretted it. I saw him sleeping next to me and realized that he isn’t who I loved and he didn’t love me back. Sure, we had feelings for each other, but that was about it, we were never meant to be. He broke up with me soon and told me that it wouldn’t work because he still wasn’t over his ex. And I totally understood, because I was also in the same phase in life.
It’s been a couple of years and I still think about him and that night often, and I respect him for what he did not do then.
*Names changed to protect privacy.
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Published on Aug 27, 2016