It was on our three-month anniversary that A and I decided to do it. Our makeout sessions had been getting hotter and heavier with every passing day, and the time had come to, uh, seal the deal. Luckily, my parents were out of town for the weekend (and had given our housekeeper chhutti too), so it was turning out to be damn convenient as well. No need to crouch together in a car in some shady street - which is how my bestie P’s first time with her boyfriend had gone - so, high-five! Plus he'd get to spend the night, and we wouldn't have to rush through things either.
A came over to my place that Saturday evening at 10, bearing salads and subs. We’d decided to go light on dinner - research had told us that having sex on a full stomach was not a great idea. So we definitely didn't want to risk that for our first time. I snuck into my dad's whisky cabinet, and we ate and drank, sitting on my bed, both nervous and excited.
Things moved pretty quickly after dinner. Some intense minutes of kissing and touching later, we were both down to our undies and ready to go. As A unhooked my bra, I asked him, “Where are the condoms?”
“Oh shit!” he exclaimed. “I forgot to pick them up!”
What the hell?! I was incensed. “How could you forget?”
“I'm so sorry!” he mumbled. “The lady at Subway chewed my brain about multigrain bread or oregano, and the dressing, and it completely slipped my mind!”
“You're such a…moron!” I growled.
“Um. Don't you have any?” he asked.
“Why on earth would I have condoms?” I snapped. “You're the one supposed to be taking care of that!”
“Fine, fine. Blame it all on me,” he replied. “But what are we going to do now?”
I thought about it and shrugged. No bright ideas emerged.
“I could go out and get some?” A offered.
But that wasn't going to happen. It was past eleven by now, which meant that the complex gate would be locked, and A would have to write down his details in the “visitor logbook” and then the guard would let him out - and back in again. Summary? Scandal everywhere: Mrs Verma’s daughter had a man in the house while her parents were away!! Not happening.
“We could order online?”
“Yeah, right!” I snorted. “And do what, choose Flipkart’s zero day delivery option?”
“Okay, fine. You have a better idea?”
“Hmm,” I thought for a while. “Won't a 24x7 pharmacy deliver?”
“Yeah, sure,” A replied. “But you'll have to go down because of your guard.”
Good point. While there wouldn't be a scandal about me getting something delivered from drugstore in the middle of the night, I was fairly certain that my parents would definitely hear about it - if nothing else, they were bound to check with the guard whether everything had been fine, and would be rewarded with the story of “Chhoti Didi’s medicines came that night.” And many awkward questions would arise.
“I have another thought…” A said.
“What?” By now I was open to almost everything.
“You want to check your parents’ bedroom?”
Ewwwwww. “NO!” I shrieked. I was not feeling that open to things either.
“I'm sure they'll have something…” A persisted.
“Are you fucking crazy? We are NOT going there!”
“Just shut up.”
We sat and moped for a while. Then I decided to call P.
“Seriously?” For some reason A was really scandalized by the thought of me telling an actual person we knew about our predicament.
It took some arguing, but I managed to convince him. After all, we basically had no other options.
I dialled her number. “Hey, P!” Once I'd explained the situation - and P had stopped laughing about it - she volunteered to bring over a pack.
“Oh thank God!” I whimpered with joy and relief. Should have thought of this right away instead of spending the last 45 minutes with our libido basically dying.
Forty minutes later, P arrived and was let in by the guard. My parents knew her, plus she was a girl - no scandal, yay!
But when I opened the door, I was rather taken aback by the sight that greeted my eyes. Tears were streaming down P’s face, and she was fumbling frantically with her purse.
“Here are your condoms!” she said, thrusting a Durex pack into my hand as her phone started ringing.
“Are you okay?” I whispered as she launched into a screaming match with her boyfriend.
She ignored my question and continued with her fight. The plan had been that she would just drop the damn condoms off and scoot, without coming in at all, so she was still standing in the corridor outside the apartment. But by now I was getting worried that the neighbours would wake up and start opening doors to check what was going on.
“I don't want to interrupt you guys,” P said as she hung up and wiped her face with her sleeve. “But the bastard just broke up with me!”
I looked over my shoulder at A peering out. He gestured at me to invite P in. And so I did. Randy couple though we were, we weren't so heartless that we'd kick the poor girl out in the middle of a crisis.
The rest of the night went in us consoling P and telling her that her bastard boyfriend did not deserve her - while she steadily drank her way through my dad's whisky. By the time she was ready to go to sleep at 4.30 a.m., A and I were too exhausted to have energy left to do anything other than snuggle up and go to sleep as well. And, frankly, we were as far away from arousal right now as possible.
Life lesson learnt: always have your own stash of condoms. Else things really won't go the way you planned… :-/