Boys and girls and everyone else, as amazing as sex can be, there are some things that can TOTALLY ruin stuff. Not just things we do - and hey, everyone is allowed an off day, no biggie - but things that we say as well. Here are a few things you should NOT say. Like, ever.
1. Someone else's name
No, no. This is not something you can do to a person. No matter how sizzling the sex with X was, when you’re doing it with Y, please erase X’s name from your memory. Or, at least, your vocabulary.
2. “We need to talk”
Folks, there is a time and place for everything. Even the most urgent conversations - in the middle of the act is NOT it. Better to wait till you’re through, or even get it out of the way pre-coitus. Trust us, those four words are a fairly effective libido killer. You don’t want to be left high and dry now, do you?
3. “Hey, do you like it?”... “And this?” … “This one?”
We’re not saying don’t ask - do. We’re happy to provide feedback - after all, who doesn’t want to make things better if there is any scope for improvement? But don’t ask repeatedly, please. Not about every single thing. You make us want to put you on mute - and that is NOT sexy.
4. “The last person I slept with…”
Why? Why are you talking about the last person you slept with? You are in bed with someone else right now, right? Please remember there’s just the two of you in the current situation - and let this be about the two of you. Why overcrowd the bed with ghosts of partners past?
5. “Did you come?”... “Now?”... “NOW?”
“I was about to - but you distracted me SO much with your questions that I have to start building up again from scratch.” Analysing the progress of your orgasm, and providing an ETA for it, is a massive obstacle in the actual achieving of said orgasm. Please don’t make us do step-by-step updates. When we do come, you will KNOW. We’ll even tell you. Okay?
6. “This reminds me of…”
NOT allowed. Sex is - no matter how “casual” it is - an intimate act between two people. And it’s nice for both those people to feel that it’s unique. Even if you ARE reminded of other things, you don’t have to discuss it. And definitely not right now!
“Ooh, that’s nice!” - that’s a compliment. “That’s...nice”, with that little pause in between the words - that’s just soul-destroying to the person who’s trying their best to give you pleasure. If you’re not loving it, switch things around, say “Let’s try XYZ instead” and so on, but don’t be cruel to them by making them feel like what’s happening is boring as f***, pun not intended.
8. “Are we done yet?”
Why? You have somewhere else to go? Why don’t you just go, then? And never come back?
9. “Why don't you trim?”
Because… my body, my business?? As long as someone’s hygienic, you don’t really get to ask these questions. More important than someone’s grooming habits is their willingness to actually get into bed with you.
Let’s just ask you this: are you craaaazy? If you’re tired, then don’t be having sex. And if you’re bored, don’t be wasting your partner’s time. Better to not do it than do it and make someone feel bad!
11. “Let's take a selfie!”
Yes, yes, we get the whole deal about couple-fies. But if there was ever a time to desist from going click-click-clickety with your phone, this is it. You WILL freak your partner out.