The bedroom. It’s sometimes a war zone. There’s mood lighting, there’s your lovely bed—and if you don’t have a lovely bed yet, get one! No time like the present! And then there’s your man, who is great, but somehow doesn’t seem to comply with your 50 Shades of Grey fantasies. Boys, if you’re reading this, a primer. Here’s what women wish men knew about sex.
1. Size doesn’t matter at all, it’s how you wield it. True story! No one actually cares about the number of inches as long as the person attached is loving and caring and knows what he’s doing.
2. Please be gentle with our bodies. Everything is attached! You don’t need to keep hunting for another station. Ask what we’d like, and oh, by the way? It’s right there.
3. Please don’t assume: Just because your last girlfriend wanted some things done a certain way doesn’t mean your new one does. Not all women are built the same.
4. Please don’t slut shame: Just because someone likes having sex with you doesn’t mean she is of a loose moral character. Don’t be a hypocrite about it: you like it, we like it, why must we bring the Ideal Indian Woman into this at all?
5. Please ask more. Seriously. We can’t ask you to ask, because we’re scared of offending your manhood or whatever, but that shouldn’t stop you from asking where it feels good and what we want you to do.
6. But also don’t ask so much that it kills the mood. After a while, you go with the flow, and take your cues from gasps and sighs. Nothing is more of a lady boner killer than a man presenting her with a full questionnaire during the act itself.
7. Sex in various places may look more exciting than it actually is. Consider sex in the shower. Add running water to that, and you have water up your nose, and if you’re breathing through your mouth, then you’re swallowing it, and the shower cubicle is usually too small to really spread out on, and really, there are only one or two ways this could be nice, and both of those involve extensive research into what is comfortable. This also goes for sex in the front seat of the car (with the gear shift sticking into your stomach or behind) or sex in an elevator: hot, but so stressful having to stop each time the doors open.
8. Comfort is key. Did you know a woman is most likely to orgasm when her feet are warm? I don’t mean in the height of summer, but in the winter, let a lady leave her socks on. In the AC, consider being under the duvet. And if someone suddenly stops making appreciative noises and goes quiet, you can bet that something you’ve just done doesn’t feel right and she’s figuring out how to get back into the zone.
9. We are not in a porn film. Let’s refresh: this is real life. This is a real woman. And she may not do everything you’ve seen the screen goddesses doing. But if you remember that she’s right there, real and naked, in front of you, you’ll have more fun than you ever did with porn. Real women are sexier!