One way or the other, I get involved in flings. Even when I am not sure of being in one, I end up in one. I guess I was always such a romantic person that I never really thought this through. But, now that I am thinking about it, turns out I have been bitten by this bug - I tend to choose casual flings over serious relationships. There is this weird high that makes me want to stay in one. So the other day, while sitting in traffic, I indulged in some self-reflection.
I have always been a 'fairytale-love' kind of person and I never imagined myself to be in a spot where I would unapologetically accept the love I have for flings. I dated someone for five years and I thought that he was the one. I never imagined myself being with anyone else and I guess he lived by this rule for the longest time, too. That clearly explains the back and forth we had for over a year. However, he met someone and had his happily ever after which left me broken. Broken; but, still a believer in love.
I put my faith in another guy and thought that things seemed to be developing into my fairytale. But they didn't. I got cheated on which completely thrashed my thoughts and beliefs. However, I still remotely believed in love. Strange isn't it? I might not have loved him as much as the first guy; but, I was giving in to the feeling of love and that's what matters, right?
My first boyfriend got married last year and even though I was prepared for it, it still shook me. I, now, have this feeling that there is no real love and that not everyone gets the desired happy ending. I am going out on frequent dates and have my share of 'fun' but none of them have given me the butterflies! I think the butterflies are dead. Or maybe I am just jumping the gun because it's easy to feel negative.
All this has made me theorize further. I think I am too comfortable with the feeling of being alone. By myself and no, this is not a lonely feeling. I am content with myself. I am content with the feeling of being with myself. It has reached a point where I want something that demands no commitment. Someone that I don't have to report to. Flings are flat out awesome. There's affection and there's chemistry but there's no overthinking all of this. Most of all, I no longer have to carry any emotional baggage because I am not that great with the balancing act. I have seen both the sides and, needless to say, I really love this girl. That sounds very selfish; but, it's true. It's something that makes me happy, so why not?
Maybe all these feelings will change. Maybe I'll find love when I least expect it but until then, I am comfortable. I am happy with the way things are going and don't want to think about dying alone. If anything great happens, it happens. Until then, I am raising a toast to myself (and my girlfriends, of course)!