There are times when you feel that the something new you want to begin may lead to a disaster. It may work out or it may not. But it is always worth the leap of faith. At one time I began feeling the same way. I had always been uptight… I still am, sometimes. A stickler for rules and principles and obedience. Guess it’s the effect of having studied in a convent school. Safe to say, I wasn’t a charmer. So, to broaden my horizons and learn to interact with new people, I joined the drama workshop in the second semester. I wanted to go back to my hobbies again. This self-exploration helped me learn a lot of new things. It made me love myself more, despite all my insecurities.
That is where I first met him. We were acquaintances. He was the jovial fellow. I was the serious girl. He was the life of our drama class. I was the observer who cracked the occasional joke. Such contradictions, but weirdly, we formed a bond; we understood each other well. He told me I was the only girl whom he could trust and he was the only guy best friend I had! And by the time I met him, I had blossomed myself into something better! I was surprised to know I could be quite bold. I even went ahead and got a tattoo and a piercing.
There were rumours of him dating other girls. I didn’t mind that because we were just friends. Having dated a few people as well, I knew the rumour mill well. So, when people started pairing us up, we didn’t care!
But time has a way of flipping things over. When rumours of him dating surfaced in the third year, weirdly, it hurt. And when you have friends, the teasing never stops. After a month of contemplation and confusion about my feelings, I confronted him. He told me they were just rumours and he wasn’t seeing anyone. I still hadn’t confessed my feelings to him, so while I was happy to know he was single, I still couldn’t muster the courage to tell him how I felt.
The jokes on our pairing up weren’t funny anymore. Finally, one day I threw the bomb on a late night phone call and said that I did like him. He fidgeted and said he needed time to think. The next day, he came up to me in the college, all ready to talk about us. I was nervous to say the very least. I had gotten an earful from my friends for confessing first rather than the other way around. But his reply turned out to be positive the next day, and I dreamed of a beautiful beginning for us.
The real catch came soon though. After unanswered calls and messages, when he finally picked up, he’d say he was busy and give really lame reasons. I knew that was not it. Being the president of an association of the college, if I could make time for him, I knew something was wrong. I gave it my all. I tried to find out why it had turned out the way it did.
So on one drunken call during our second week of dating, I finally heard him tell the truth. He told me that he did not want to date someone ‘exclusively.’ He wanted us (our relationship) to be the same way it was when I was just his ‘supposed’ girlfriend while he could date anyone he wanted.
He had no intention of continuing our relationship after graduation or in fact, solely dating me. He wanted to have the option of seeing other people open. In the end, he was no different than someone who took me for granted as he ‘expected’ me to understand this. Of course, I broke up with him within a month.
We are still friends, though and he still asks me to get back with him for something casual. But he never understood the depth of what I felt for him - a pure untouched feeling to cherish. He probably never will, because he wanted to date me but not just me. And that, I am not okay with it, nor will I ever be.
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