A hopeless romantic is what you would have called me if you’d met me when I was in high school. My playlist was full of love songs…from Taylor Swift’s “Love Story” to Backstreet Boy’s “As Long As You Love Me”. For me a perfect life was the one where I got to spend the rest of my life with a guy I am head over heels in love with. From romantic dinner dates to holidays at exotic locations, I had created a picture of this ideal life in my head. I wanted to be swept off my feet by the man of my dreams. Little did I know that things - or rather I - would change so much with time.
I am in my mid 20s now, and last month my high-school sweetheart called me. We had been out of touch for a couple of years. He said how he missed me and wanted me to give us another chance. Before I could say anything he said he wanted to marry me... And that night I understood the true meaning of getting cold feet.
So many questions came to my mind: Was I ready to give up on my dreams to be with the only love of my life? Would I ever be happy if I compromised the life I was living to just settle down with him? Would I ever fall in love again if I let him go this time?
While finding answers to all these questions, I came to realise I have become a completely different person in the last few years. That girl who dreamt of romance and a fairytale ending had been replaced by the girl whose dream is to be a free bird and see the world. I have been living in pursuit of my dreams and have done everything possible to achieve them. I have travelled through most parts of my country. And last year I decided to move to a different country.
I moved to a place where I knew no one and starting a life in a new place has taught me so much about myself. Believe me, nothing teaches you more about life than travelling on your own and living all by yourself. I feel that after a year of living in this totally new place, I have finally found what I was looking for all this time.
While my family expects me to settle down and the boy I loved wants to marry me, I am still not ready to let go of the life I am living now. While most of my friends are getting engaged, I still want to live in places such as Paris, Venice, Berlin or New York for a year or two. While most of my friends are planning a life with husbands and kids, all I want is a cosy apartment with a view of the city skyline. I want so much to explore new cities, different cultures and lifestyle.
I guess that’s the way we dreamers are - we become so self-sufficient that we don’t feel the need for having someone else in our lives unless it feels exactly right. The girl who just wanted romance in life is gone, and it doesn’t feel like a loss to me. Our dreams define us and we are proud to live life on our own terms.
And this is what I want to tell the the boy who asked me to marry him. With some degree of regret but with complete honesty to myself...
To My Former Love,
I have found a new love. I am in love with my life.
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Published on Feb 23, 2016