You're married now...congratulations! You've finally made it through Season 1 of the 'Nosy Indian Aunty Squad', which means, the shaadi-kab-kar-rahe-ho-beta questions might have stopped. Did you just breathe a sigh of relief? No no, stop right there and brace yourself for the twists and turns in Season 2, or as I like to call it, 'The Great Indian Infatuation'. An essential activity every newlywed MUST engage in.
No, much to your surprise, it isn't sex. The aunties don't care if you go at it 16 times a week. Your reproductive health is where their business is at. No less prying than online trolls, these aunties seem to have a vested interest in your life.
You've been married for SO long beta, when are you going to have a baby?
Annoying, right? I feel you. Sometimes, I can't help but wonder if these guys get a 'celestial commission' every time someone delivers a baby. I mean, why else would you make it your life's primary mission to pray that my chakras align with my vaginal health and I somehow (against my will) get pregnant? Thanks to all these people, I dread family functions and reunions. And even if I make an occasional appearance at these functions, I constantly fear that the big baby question is coming my way. And dare I say no, I have no plans of having a baby, the judgement, eye rolls, uffs and arre beta are served to me on a platter with a lecture on how my biological clock is ticking. We've all been interrogated by our aunties, friends, families and even coworkers at some point. So, what do you do? How do you actually answer such questions?
If you're married, (god forbid) still baby-free and tired of entertaining the baby inquiries, here are some sweet, sarcastic and savage tips that'll shut everyone up!
If you're not concerned about being polite or hurting anyone's feelings, you can simply ask them to shut up and not intervene in your life. Your decision to procreate, or NOT, is between you and your partner.
And anybody who thinks they have a say in what you should do deserves to be told otherwise.
If you're not in the mood to give little miss nosy a piece of your mind, your best bet is to just ignore. Swiftly but smartly, change the subject! Talk about the weather, your pet or even how lovely they (the nosy one) look today.
Some people don't even realise they are crossing a boundary unless you politely put them in their place. Some sassy questions that make for a perfect comeback would be...
"So, how's your sex life?"
"Are you happy with your marriage?"
"How often do you masturbate?"
They're going to be appalled and you can sweetly say "Oh, I thought since we're getting up close and personal, I should also know a few things about you."
That person who keeps bugging you with all the questions is never going to make baby-related small talk with you again. We promise!
You're not planning to have a baby, and you know that this decision might open up a can of worms...err...I mean, lectures. So how do you drop this in a conversation and make sure you don't get a lecture on parenting, future generations, legacy and old-age bullsh*t?
"I'll have a kid if you pay for him/her. Would you also like to raise him/her?"
"Not today, but I'll keep you posted."
Walk away after saying "I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable discussing this."
Trust me, these are a few lines that have spared me a lecture several times at a party!
A little bit of sarcasm never hurt anyone! Be fun, witty and a little snide. Keep a straight face and make remarks like...
"I already have a baby" open up your phone and show them pictures of your pets. Talk incessantly about them until the person gets annoyed and walks away.
"I'm currently busy living my life, but if my priorities change, you're the FIRST person I'll call."
"Can I borrow yours for a few days? I promise to try to take care of your kid"
If you've put on a little weight after you got married, the baby questions, especially tend to pour in. I was struggling with some hormonal issues a few years ago, and every single person I met asked me if I was pregnant. Random people on social media, neighbours, and relatives all of them wanted to know what was bubbling in my ovaries. After letting it affect my self-confidence for a while, I decided to roll with it. Yes, I pretended that I was pregnant. Of course, a few months later when the bloating and the weight went down the questions began pouring in again. Here's what I said: "Oh, I thought you were asking about my cheesecake baby, he went away as soon as I hit the gym."
If you can't convince them, confuse them! Bring up some stats on the global population crisis and start crunching up the numbers. Give them the lowdown on how the world resources are depleting rapidly and how you're doing them a favour by NOT adding another human being to the consumption chain.
As much as we don't like these questions, some of us maybe are even guilty of asking others the same baby-related question. Well, it's important to be sensitive and understand that everyone is dealing with their own problems. While some people just do not want children, others may be struggling to get pregnant. Either way, just remember that asking someone personal questions like that is never okay!
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