I loved my perfect boyfriend and he loved me too. Shekhar and I laughed at the same things, went on exotic vacations together, would get along with each other’s families, and would agree with each other on almost everything. We were planning to get married soon and be one happy family together. Everything was perfect in our sweet little paradise except that I cheated on him. Twice. Both times with the same person.
My cheating shenanigans began when I got a text message from my ex-boyfriend. At that time I and Shekhar were already a year into our relationship. Before digging deeper, let me tell you about the kind of relationship I shared with my ex. I met Rishi in college and I fell in love with his uninhibited and free spirit. He was everything that I could never be- fearless, unapologetic and wild. After college we started a long distance relationship that didn’t go as planned and we both mutually decided to break up a few months later.
When he contacted me this time it was to apologise on how things had ended between us. That day we both talked out our feelings and we felt better. At least I assumed that this will be the last time we are talking. But I was wrong.
What followed was a series of phone calls and text messages. And I never cut him off. Not even a single time. When Rishi came back into my life I realised that what we shared during all those years was crazy, wild, passionate and every inch love. Since Shekhar and I were living together, I would wait every night for him to sleep and then I would chat with my first love. What started as a pretty innocuous conversation between two people who once loved each other so madly, soon turned into a series of steamy hot exchanges.
So when he invited me to his apartment one day, I just couldn’t resist and needless to say we had the best sex of our lives. But with every passing day, every dirty chat, and every clandestine love-making session, there was a massive sense of guilt eating me up alive. I guess, my perfect boyfriend had a fair idea by then that there were three people in this relationship. A small confession here: The more I cheated on Shekhar, the more love I felt for him. Is it possible to love two people at the same time? Perhaps yes, I thought.
One fateful night, Shekhar caught me video calling Rishi from the bathroom with my bra on the floor. Being the perfect guy that he is, he decided to forgive me on the condition that I break all ties with Rishi right then and there. I was so disgusted with myself for cheating on him that I deleted Rishi’s number from my phone right away and stopped talking to him. But not for long.
I would die a little every single day that I spent without talking to Rishi. In the meantime, Shekhar would take me on romantic getaways, cook my favourite food, take me for movies and often shower me with gifts. I hated myself more for cheating on this man who loved me unconditionally.
Soon after, Rishi texted me again saying how much he missed me and how he would do anything to have me in his life. He wanted me to listen to my heart, leave everything and come to him and he promised that everything would be fine. That night I read and re-read Rishi’s message, while my perfect boyfriend slept beside me, and I wept.
I eventually left Shekhar, my perfect boyfriend, for a roller coaster love affair with Rishi. While I was moving out of Shekhar’s house, he stood at the door poised and silent and watched me throw my stuff in the car. A voice told me to run to him, hug him and forget everything else but I dodged that voice away because at that moment my wild crazy feelings for Rishi were stronger than what I was feeling for Shekhar. And Rishi was waiting for me at his apartment, with open arms.
Within months of this life-changing experience, I realised that I had dug a cave for myself, from where I could never get out. Rishi’s fickle-mindedness, free spirit and unplanned approach to life that sounded so much fun a while ago were making me feel sick now. He was not ready to settle down, at least not for the next ten years. And I wanted to get married. Besides, after all that had happened between me and Shekhar, my parents wanted a good explanation and I wanted Rishi to be that explanation for me.
I later learnt that it wasn’t just me who was going through this period of realisations and regrets. Rishi was sailing on the same boat. Every night he would come home late, drunk and we would sleep with our backs facing each other. We would hardly talk, forget the sex. Even if we tried to talk, we would end up arguing and complaining- he had a problem with my “persistent nagging” and I would complain about his indifference.
Soon I found out Rishi was cheating on me with several women. When I confronted him, he admitted to having slept with many women including one intern at his office numerous times in the past two months. It hurt me how he didn’t even try to lie to me as if what I felt hardly mattered to him. His indifference hurt. I found myself exactly in the same position in which Shekhar had found himself that night when he had caught me video calling Rishi from the bathroom.
I wanted so badly to call Shekhar and apologise to him but I didn’t have the courage. I knew Shekhar would never have me now (and I didn’t want him to because I deserved his hatred). I left Rishi for good and started living alone, focussing on my work.
Years have passed and Shekhar’s Facebook profile says that he is a happily married man. Rishi is dating a Korean girl and is probably in an open relationship with her. As far as I am concerned, I am in a strong relationship with my karma and I have no intentions of falling for someone again.
My experience has brought me face-to-face with these unavoidable truths about love and life:
- What goes around, comes around. There is a divine force somewhere that maintains a status of equilibrium among humans. You wrong someone, someone else will wrong you in exactly the same way.
- Always trust your intuition. Always. Especially in matters concerning the heart. Had I listened to the voice of my heart that day, I would be in a better position today.
- You can’t love two people at the same time. You will always love one person more.
- If you are cheating on your boyfriend or feel the urge to cheat, break up with him. If you had truly loved him, you would never want to cheat on him in the first place.
- If someone loves you enough to forgive your mistakes, don’t let them go. EVER.
- When you feel too worked up with love and relationships, stop, take a deep breath and step back for a while. Hasting things and making impulsive decisions won’t necessarily end positively.
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