We don’t go by labels, you and I. The first time someone questioned me about you, I simply said, “Ours is a relationship that transcends any other.” These were the same words you said to me when I asked you “What are we?” countless times initially. The question kept coming up. It was either in the words you, more often than not, had to coerce out of me; or, it was in the way I looked at you when speaking was difficult to do. You always understood. And you knew the answers to all the questions I wasn’t asking. How did you do it? How do you still do it? I’ll never know.
What I do know, now, is that as long as it’s you, I don’t want anyone else. I don’t know if that’s a good thing, or a bad thing. I don’t know how long that lasts in the future and I don’t know what becomes of us. Now is all that matters. You’ve shown me the importance of now; when it’s just you and me. And so, this Valentine’s Day, I just want to tell you this…
From the first time we spoke to the very last conversation we had - just last night - it’s clear that you know me better than I know myself. You’re the mirror I’m constantly looking out for when I don’t know who I am anymore. Two years ago, when you walked into my life, quite literally, little did I know that one knowing smile and a handshake would change the course of my life; that you would become an integral part of my existence. It happens to a few blessed souls, every once in a lifetime; or, as I like to call it, a blue moon. And look at how the fates have played it - we’ve lived to see a blue moon!
If someone were to foretell your coming, I would never have believed them. If someone were to tell me that you would choose me, I’d have rubbished the whole thing with a hearty laugh that concealed the sorrow I would feel. I just didn’t believe that someone like you could actually exist outside of cheesy movies and classic novels. Maybe that’s why I stayed buried behind my books for so long; until you came along and urged me to look up. You literally made it the butt of all your jokes, even (most of which had hidden lessons for me to learn). “The world doesn’t function like it does in one of your books,” you say to me. True, I’m more lyrical and philosophical than I am practical. I’m learning to see people for who they really are… through your eyes.
Through your eyes, for the first time, I’m seeing life and the world for what it really is. And it’s not pretty, or perfect; not that I ever believed that it was. But, there’s one huge difference. It’s that this life and the world is better because you’re in it. And I don’t feel like I’m alone in this anymore. Knowing me, you know how big a deal that is. From panicking and having minor anxiety attacks right in front of you - because I was suddenly feeling again - to running away because I was scared that you too, would leave; just like everyone else, you've stood by every fear, every insecurity; however trivial they've been. “Nothing you say is trivial to me,” you say. Well, I know that now. I've always, and continue to, believing that everything comes to an end. It’s the linear science of time. But, then again, we’ve fallen into a circular pattern. We just keep coming back to where we started; or, we start over. And that, for me, is better than never having started at all. I’m willing to let go of half-hearted love and unfulfilling relationships for a friendship that is as boundless and transcendental as ours. The emotions have never been more real; nor has the connection ever been this deep. You and I were meant to be. What precisely, I’m not quite so sure of. But, we were meant to be together. That’s all I know.
There’s no set definition as to who we are together, or what we mean to each other. It goes without saying that you mean the world to me. Even when I cried softly as I said it to you for the first time - right after you told me you’re falling for me and we made love even though it wasn’t the agenda. Then, you kissed my eyes and held me tight. You knew. You always have. The world has never felt so right as it does in those countless moments we spend together. We are infinite. Maybe I’ll say this the next time someone asks me what we are. And we both know there will be questions. There always have been. People won’t stop questioning - doubting, even - what they can’t understand. People will not stop looking at us and wondering what secret we are withholding from the world. I wouldn’t blame them, you know; considering how our eyes have always found each other even in the most crowded of rooms. You have a way of seeking me out. I guess that’s just how you found me, to begin with. And when I was too scared to find you; fearing that you may not be around, you taught me to look, anyway. You’ve always been there; even when I least expected you to. You keep coming back no matter how hard I push you away. It angers me how magnanimous you are with me. You’ve shown to me the darker side of my soul and you’ve loved me all the more for it. I’ve seen the darker parts of your soul and I admire you more for it. As much as I keep sabotaging this relationship, I know in my heart that this is it. It doesn’t get better than this and it doesn’t go beyond it. We’re stronger than any two individuals could ever be together. We’re terribly imperfect; we fight and we hurt. But, we heal each other in the realest ways possible. We’re ugly together and we accept each other for it. That’s what makes us beautiful. That’s what makes us tick. We don’t expect and yet, we show up. You do more than I do. We’re stronger than a marriage and some legal documents; and thicker than the best of friends. We’re closer than any two siblings could ever be and bigger than the worldly concept of love. We know the ins and outs of each other's souls.
How pure is that? That we cannot lie to each other; not even if we could help it. That we can cry in front of and to each other; that we can be our hopeless selves without being judged and worried that something might change. If at all anything changes, I hope that it only brings us closer to each other. Because you and I were bound together by a fate that this world no longer believes in. We attracted each other long before we ever met. It’s no wonder we looked so familiar to one another.
I don’t believe in there being one particular day to celebrate love and relationships. At this point, I’m struggling to believe in a God above us. But, I do believe that the Universe brought us together; we have a purpose - not as individuals; but as a team. I believe that there is a higher power involved in conspiring this pure relationship; as labelless as it may be. That’s the beauty about us - that we don’t limit and bind ourselves to just one term. We’re everything to each other and I would have it no other way!
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