There is no pride or joy in what I am about to admit, there is only shame and guilt and pangs of self-pity. But I feel like it is high time I moved on from you, from us and all that we once shared. I had loved you from the deepest corners of my heart, I had loved you to bits. I adored you and I respected you. You were everything that I ever wanted and I will never forget you or how you made me feel. Because no one has ever made me feel as special and as celebrated as you had.
I remember every little thing about you. Your jet black hair, your perfectly toned body, that manly, rugged voice, the way you wove stories, how you sang for me, how sensual the love-making was and how every day had been an adventure with you. But mostly, I remember the cold rainy nights when you would cuddle with me - be the bigger spoon - almost as though I could merge into your body and be a part of you. I miss you, I miss what we had, I miss us.
We both knew that the distance that was brewing between us would eventually kill us, but honestly, I really wanted to give it a shot, I really wanted to try and save what we had because what we had was beautiful. Very few people get to experience love that is so free and yet so captivating at the same time. Once you moved away, I knew that life would never be the same and I wouldn’t fall in love with someone else as easily as I did with you. I knew that moving on from you would require every nerve in my fragile body to toughen up.
Maybe we will never move on from each other, maybe we were meant to be... But we are both with different people now and I can’t and won’t lie and pretend that I am happy for you. I know you too well to know that she isn’t right for you. Whatever you’ve told me about her makes me believe that she’s the type of person we never wanted to be. What happened to you? Why did you change so much? Why are you with someone like her?
I have stalked her many times, it’s embarrassing to admit just how many times because the truth is, I’ve lost count. She’s pretty. Her long, wavy hair makes her look like she’s the dreamy kinds. The posts that she shares all indicate that she might actually be a fun person to be with, but we know that people are not really like that. We used to agreed that people were very different from what their social media profiles led us to believe. Yet, you are with someone like her.
Does she know how to make you feel better? Does she know that your mother calls you by a certain name that no one else calls you? Does she know that when you were in fifth grade a girl sent you your first love letter? Do you make her coffee like you used to make mine?
Is she better than I am? Well, she must be, otherwise you would have never been with her.
I confess that I am jealous and maybe I will always be. I will always love you, no matter what happens to you or me. You will always hold a special place in my heart, and maybe I will never be completely happy for you. I will always find reasons to dislike the person you are with because she took my place. No one can be my replacement and that is why I will despise her for even trying.
I pray that someday you find someone who is perfect for you and will keep you happy, because you deserve the best and nothing less. I hope that you will patiently wait it out and not just settle for anyone who is less than what you deserve.
I pray that I will have the sense and understanding of an adult so that I can be happy for you and who you have chosen.
I pray that I will find closure some day, and that all this jealousy goes away the day I find it.