“Your beliefs in life are really nothing more than the mental contracts you make with yourself about the state of affairs you find yourself in.” When things go wrong in life, we can do two things. We can either get disheartened by the situation, keep thinking about it and let it keep punishing us. Or we can view the same situation under a positive light and free ourselves from the torture. It’s all in our hands. Everything changes when we change our own mental disposition.
When I read these lines as somebody’s status on Facebook, my mind linked this concept to my situation. I didn’t get the “happily ever after” even after being in a relationship for three years. Like many of us, I have family pressure to get married, but he said he was not ready yet. I don’t blame him - it’s just that we were not in the same place in life and so we decided to go our separate ways.
It did hit me hard. I just couldn’t understand how something that felt so right didn’t end the way I always wished. It had a rather awful effect on my mood and thoughts, which were reflected in my outlook, how I perceived things around me. I was overlooking and not accepting the good things by just focusing on the negatives. With no one to put all the blame on, I became very cranky, irritable and angry with fate, God, him….everybody.
But the lines I’ve quoted made me realise that I need to change; I should stop complaining and should keep a positive outlook in life. Instead of thinking “Why has this happened to me?” I should be glad that I got to experience love in life. So, I took out my note pad and started writing a letter...
I want to thank you for giving me a chance to know someone so beautiful so up close. I am thankful for experiencing what “butterflies in the stomach” feels like in those initial days of being in a relationship. I now know what it is like to be loved.
You know he often tried to act like he didn’t notice the small things. But then his actions always showed that he did. For instance, the time when he asked me for my ring and tried it on his finger to measure my ring size. As if I wouldn’t know what he was trying to do. The way he always used to watch me while I climbed down the stairs to ensure that I didn’t slip and hurt myself…he knew pretty well how clumsy a person I am. No matter how much it hurt me after we broke up, remembering such moments still makes me smile.
I owe you for those nights when he and I fell asleep together while talking over phone. I would often wake up to him snoring on the other side of the phone and it was such an amazing feeling to hear him sleep.
Even though things didn’t work out, I find it comforting that I got to be with such a warm-hearted and kind person. After my childhood bestie, he was the first person I opened up my heart to - I shared my deepest fears, insecurities and regrets with him. The fear that he might rethink our relationship after knowing these things did cross my mind, but his love never changed. Also, I could bring a positive change in his life. Whenever he would feel low or was on the verge of losing his temper, he would call me so that I could calm him down. It’s a really nice feeling to know that even in that little way I could support him. I miss those moments when he felt comfortable enough to show how vulnerable he felt...and such moments brought us closer. I have now understood why being yourself is important for strengthening any relationship.
After I lost a dear one who was a big music fan, I was off music for quite a long time. He brought music back into my life. He loved singing, and listening to him sing songs such as Sajni paas bulao na, Haan hasi ban gaye, Hello and Kya tum mujhse pyaar karti ho are some of the fond memories that will always be close to my heart.
Though I really hated it when he irritated me, now I long for it. I long for his presence that always brought peace in my life. He helped me discover more about my calling in life. He always encouraged me to trust my instincts and depend on my own strength. He persuaded me to go after what feels right and to not be afraid of the outcome.
He’s the first person I said “I love you” to. I was so naive and silly. He accepted my goofy side and I felt that I should not be ashamed of being the way I am. I remember the first time when our palms met - my palms were sweaty, but he didn’t notice it at all; instead, he just remarked on how my hand could be so tiny!
I can just go on and on about such wonderful moments love gave to me that I will always cherish. And I am not going to let these memories be ruined by the way our relationship ended.
There are many more reasons for me to be thankful for. Thus, my dear Cupid, I have no complaints against you and love. I might have said mean things at times when I was feeling rather low. But don’t give up on me yet as I have not given up on love. I have understood that one has to kiss many frogs to find Prince Charming. And I am ready to take on any challenges as I wait for The One.