Rajiv and I were classmates since class six. I knew that he had a crush on me but I was kind of sure that he wasn’t going to act on it. Life went on, I changed my school after completing class 10 and my feelings for him started fading away. It was then, after all this while, he got in touch with me on Facebook and expressed his feelings. I wasn’t ready and reacted very immaturely, blocking him and warning him to not contact me ever.
Then I started thinking about all that stuff… How politely he had proposed, how awkwardly I had reacted. What if I gave it a chance? So, I decided to change my mind and call him. And with that, we started dating!
I was pursuing my engineering and he was pursuing his medical coaching. Ours was a long distance relationship. We talked over the phone, chatted every day and met occasionally. It was all going so well. His love was so satisfying emotionally, he became my support system.
I always knew he used to get jealous when I spoke to other guys ( even if in a friendly way) and I thought it was kind of cute. Our fights over this grew day by day. His love was turning obsessive, at least that’s what it seemed. He started restricting me from going out, wearing dresses and keeping my hair open. I felt suffocated, so, we decided to part ways.
I tried to negotiate and get back, but he didn’t want to be with me. So I stopped trying.
I finally got out of my cocoon after a year and started hanging out with another guy, Rohan, who’d been a friend for long. He was very kind, gentle and I liked him a lot. One such afternoon, we were hanging out casually and I kissed him, suddenly, for no reason. He kissed me back.
The next day Rohan asked me to meet him. He asked me if I loved him… He already liked me a lot. I wasn’t sure about my feelings at all, but I decided to go for it. Partly because I didn’t want to lose him and partly because I wanted to move on, forget Rajiv.
We started dating. We shared a bond of friendship which made it easier for us. I was so comfortable with him. I felt like we both could bare our souls to each other. That made things move fast between us, both physically and emotionally. It was all going well, but there was something. I missed the way I felt with Rajiv. The more the days passed, the more I missed him. Darkness engulfed me. I was in a happy relationship, but still, why? Was I still in love with him? I kept thinking. One night, Rajiv drunk dialled me. He asked me if I had moved on and I told him I hadn’t.
What was I thinking? I did feel for Rohan and I was happy with him. I didn’t want to let go this relationship. I was angry and upset when Rohan spoke to his ex because I wanted him all for myself. Yet I can’t deny the longing I felt when I saw Rajiv’s photos on my facebook feed.
It makes me wonder, am I in love with two guys simultaneously? If that, I am not being fair to Rohan, at all. I am still not over my ex and I don’t know what will happen next. I don’t know for how long I can keep tormenting myself. One thing I know for sure that I can’t end this. Maybe I will get used to it. Or maybe not. Only time will tell.
*Names changed to protect privacy
Images: Shutterstock
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