I remember the first time I bought a magazine that had sex articles in it. I was really young, and my mom thought it was a fashion magazine. I read all the ‘101 of the best sex tips for an amazing time in bed’ – maybe about 101 times. I used to hide the magazine at the back of the bookshelf. Fast forward to about a decade later, when I finally had sex… And it was nothing like I had imagined it to be! Forget tricks, it was hard to adjust to the basics too. So while I don’t have direct wisdom to share with you today – I can at least tell you which sex tips are just not worth the time and effort!
Sex Tips 1: ‘Give him a massage… Without using your hands.’
I didn’t realize before I tried this but with this, you can do more harm than good. Because while I’m sure you’re imagining your boobs sexily gliding over his back, it really starts out with elbows when you get down to it. Even the slightest bit of pressure in the wrong place and he’ll not want your hands near him for a while. Seriously, if you wish to have good sex, then stay away from this one!!!
Sex Tips 2: ‘Turn bath-time into sexy-time!’
Sex in the shower is the ultimate myth of love-making. Movies really do make it out to be something it’s not, right? You have to believe me; I was skeptical from the very beginning. But the boyfriend had been wanting to try it for a while and finally managed to maneuver me to right where he wanted – under the shower head. Now, I’m very particular about how I stand under the shower – I don’t like my hair to get wet and that’s just not something a guy understands. And having my perfect blowdry get ruined wasn’t the worst part. The water literally robs you of any natural lubrication. After the first 5 minutes, it was my turn to pull him to where I wanted him – on the bed to have good sex!
Sex Tips 3: ‘Let yourself scream, moan, shout his name!’
We’ve all watched porn, yes? Great. We’ve also all watched really loud porn too, and it definitely does seem very exciting. But when you try it in really life, make sure you’re alone at home and there is no chance of anyone coming over. Or that your voice won’t carry over to the hotel room next to yours, which is conveniently occupied by your friends. You won’t be able to live down the looks at breakfast the next day, trust me. Good sex is possible sans this!
Sex Tips 4: ‘Keep your eyes wide open during sex for it to be more emotional.’
Now if you want to start your love-making with eye contact, that’s great. For you. For me, there were some technical issues. The boyfriend wear specks. And somehow when you imagine intense eye contact, you don’t account for the spectacles (which he needs to adjust once in a while) in between. And even if you try to ignore the specks – which you can manage – they come back to haunt you a few minutes later by getting stuck in your hair and yanking it hard. It wasn’t great for me, but you might come to a different conclusion. Don’t forget though – you might want to break the eye contact before the orgasm face comes into play. Let’s be honest, it’s never very flattering when it comes to good sex.
Sex Tips 5: ‘Slow down your speed to increase anticipation.’
What my problem with this one is that why is this even a sex tip? I have to already slow down multiple times to have good sex because of one thing or the other. Oh, come on, I’m not going to pretend here – sex can be tough sometimes, and no matter how much you really want him to jack-hammer into you, your vagina can put a stop to all the fun in no time. It can hurt, it can bruise, it can do whatever the hell it likes. So, no. I wouldn’t slow down to increase anticipation when I already have to slow down enough to increase comfort.
Sex Tips 6: ‘Have a meal full of aphrodisiac foods.’
Aphrodisiac foods are generally there in your diet. It’s everything from watermelon, garlic (yes, really), ginger, basil, vanilla… And oysters, of course! But the thing is, if you include all of the ones available in one meal…good sex isn’t really going to seem very tempting after. I don’t know about you but I would much rather have sex before a meal than after. And that’s saying something because I rarely want to do anything on an empty stomach! After every *sexy* meal, there usually isn’t even a conversation about sex, forget attempt! We both pass out as soon as we hit the bed!
Sex Tips 7: ‘Wear some *really* sexy lingerie.’
This one is a big one, isn’t it? And after having tried it, I’m not completely opposed to it. It’s just that there are certain things you need to know beforehand. Don’t wear it in the morning, if you’ll only see him at night. That kind of lingerie is meant to be worn only to be taken off. Those slinky straps have the power to bring him to his knees, yes… But they also have the power to break your back into two pieces. And definitely don’t do it on a night you want to have good sex. My poor bralette that cost my 2 grand will never be the same – and I had only worn it that one time!
Sex Tips 8: ‘Instead of in-and-out ask him to…move side-to-side.’
Okay, I had high expectations from this one, I’m not going to deny it. And I had kind of tried it once without even realizing it – while I was on top. I did the moving side-to-side, though, obviously. When we tried it with him on top…I couldn’t curse our hip bones enough. No, really, the in-and-out makes hip bones collide occasionally and it can be dealt with. But when they’re grinding on each other, it’s not fun ladies. Definitely, not when you want to have good sex! Nope!
Sex Tips 9: ‘Rotate from girl-on-top to reverse-cowgirl position.’
I never thought I would ever disclose this, EVER, but I did try this, on the insistence of the boyfriend. He’s really big (pun not intended, but…) on the reverse-cowgirl position. So I was on top and he asked me to, you know, rotate myself. And I, like an idiot, thought I could totally pull a spinning top move. He, like an even bigger idiot, thought he wouldn’t get injured in the process. One elbow to his ribs later, we were both a bit wiser and way less horny.
Sex Tips 10: ‘Have some alcohol – it’ll lower your inhibitions.’
Who has ever had just one glass of wine? What is this concept of ‘some’ alcohol? When you drink, you drink to have a good time, with no limits. And every time I do that, I get a bit emotionally volatile. Oh sure, my inhibitions do go down. But those inhibitions were actually keeping me from fighting with the boyfriend about each and every single thing. If he even breathes too loudly, I could give him a lecture about it. He doesn’t even bother trying to get in my pants when I’m drunk anymore – he knows I’ll only end up kicking him out of bed, and sometimes out of the house.
Images: Tumblr, Shutterstock
