I met Rajan through a colleague of mine. We were introduced as potential hooks up in each other’s lives because we had recently broken up and well, that was just the right way to go about things. The first night we met, I ended up chilling at his place and I’d have to say things got quite hot and heavy. However, we didn’t sleep together that night. I think if it wasn’t for that fact that we didn’t sleep together, we probably wouldn’t have met again.
But we did. Again and again and again. Being the shy one in the relationship, I was quite surprised at the things he could make me do. Spend hours at his place, watch late night shows, drunk walk the streets of Delhi, go karaoke and actually sing! It was the magical feeling they show in the movies. Where, for a while, all the pain seems to disappear. You’re just who you are and he is just who he is.
This went on for a couple of months. In those months, it really didn’t matter to me what he thought about us. I didn’t even care if he was sleeping with someone else. All I knew was, I liked the way he made me feel. I had completely forgotten about my ex and I was just hoping that he had too.
Then, things started to slowly change. The messages we used to send each other started to decrease from hourly to daily to weekly. He’d call me up whenever he was free to meet and if I was free, I would go meet him. But something just didn’t seem the same anymore. It wasn’t that I wanted a relationship with him but the dynamics of what we had stopped making sense to me. It felt like we were struggling to keep afloat a relationship that didn’t even exist.
So, I told him. Since we’d been so honest about why we were into this in the first place, I didn’t see why I should lie to him about why I wanted to walk away. He understood what I meant, why I wanted a relationship or something more than just this. He even asked me to meet him one last time the next day. Something inside me stirred when he said that. My romantic heart wondered for just a moment if this could be something more.
I was scared but a little excited too. The whole day I wondered if I had developed something for him during this time. I wondered if we would talk about this and if we did, what would he say? My wondering and overthinking continued until I saw my phone in the evening, I had received a text from him… Cancelling our last date.
It’s been weeks and we haven’t talked since then. There isn’t much to say now. I guess, at a level, I am upset about the fact that we didn’t get the goodbye we wanted. At least, I had put in the effort to actually tell him how I felt about the situation. He chose to conveniently avoid it. Thankfully, I know better than to not respect choices, they are tough to make anyway.
So while I try to move on again, from the casual relationship that really shouldn’t have been in the first place, I am left thinking about what it was all about. Was it just the fling that it looked like, to be passed on as an anecdote later in life or was it something more, a future that we could not work towards?
These are the questions that I probably won’t find answers to anytime soon. But that’s okay, it’s the questions that keep me going anyway.
* Names changed to protect privacy
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Published on Apr 19, 2017