It’s funny how humans have learnt to sculpt their faces with masks over and over. Often the person who smiles the most is going through the toughest time, the one who is the quietest wants to just yell at the top of his/her voice, and the one who seems to have the most perfect life is the most heartbroken. And what’s more, no one really tries to look behind the mask of the other! - I guess that's just convenient.
I hadn’t always been a suspicious girlfriend. On the contrary, I used to be naive and blindly trusting. Too trusting, if I might add. It was after I broke up with my first boyfriend that I became the suspicious peeker which I am. For the entire time that my first boyfriend and I had been in our relationship, I had never done the silly things that probably a lot of girls do - I hadn’t asked him for his passwords, I had never asked him which girls he had been talking to or at what time he had been calling them or who he had been hanging out with. I had not realized that in this way, I had actually been digging a grave for myself. He ended up cheating on me with a friend of his. I found out all the details later - their long phone calls, the movies they had been to, about their dinners and “park outings” too.
I had been shattered. The whole time, it had been in front of my eyes and I had never seen it. For a long time, I trusted no one. A lot of guys proposed to me but I wasn’t ready to trust yet - until Sahil came along. Something between us just clicked and within a few months of being friends, we entered into a relationship. But then it all came rushing back. I knew Sahil was a great guy but that fear and the hurt just refused to go away. I even openly confessed to him that I might act somewhat paranoid sometimes and ask him awkward questions - and that it wasn't because I didn't trust him, rather, it was because of my past experiences that I was scared.
Sahil has graciously agreed to my demands. Yet, I feel ashamed to openly ask him his whereabouts or who he is with or who is he on the phone with, so I snoop around. I check his phone now and then, I keep checking his facebook feed - who likes his pictures, his statuses etc. I haven't yet mustered enough courage to ask him for his password. Moreover, I don't want him to see me in that light as far as possible. I even check his wallet and his clothes, at times. I make plans in my head for finding out where he is at the moment and with whom, without making it too obvious. Everytime he is at an office party, I cannot sleep. I keep imagining the worst scenarios - him getting drunk and sleeping with someone or him going to drop some girl home and them ending up in bed. I make sure that I know as much as possible about every female he is working closely with, and anytime that I know he is alone with a girl, I get paranoid. I keep finding excuses to call him again and again, just to make sure nothing untoward is happening.
I feel terrible doing all this. Sometimes, I lock myself in my room and cry for hours, because I feel so guilty. I feel he deserves someone better. I feel like I am damaged goods, and that he deserves someone who can trust him like he deserves to be trusted. And then there are other times when I ask myself, “How do I know he deserves to be trusted? I had trusted my ex too... How can I forget what he did to me?”
It is really hard to live while being torn between yourself and yourself. I’m not suspicious because I am a bad person, rather it's because I have been broken once before, and I am still not whole. I cannot take another blow just yet. I still do all the things I have written above, but it's certainly getting better. Sahil has managed to heal my wounds and I am beginning to get back to being normal-ish. He loves me a lot and I love him too, and I hope this time it's not a mirage. I am trying to pick my pieces up and glue them together and he is the motivation for me right now. His love has managed to free me from a lot of pain, and I hope I can overcome this - slowly but surely.