After we’d been seeing each other for a few months, Abhi and I decided to spice up our sex life by trying “kinky” things. We talked about it a lot, but everything seemed to be a little too out there. For one thing, neither of us had porn-star-like flexibility, so we were actually concerned about getting injured. And inviting a third person to join us and stuff was just way too mind-boggling to even think about - besides, we were perfectly happy to be just doing each other, thank you very much!
Finally, we hit upon what seemed like the perfect plan. It was while we were talking about porn that the idea hit us - why not make our own little dirty movie? All we needed was a camera!
Abhi managed to convince his photographer friend to loan us his super fancy DSLR with high-res video recording capability (we wanted to do this right!) and a tripod. And we set the date for one Saturday when his parents would be out of town. Yes!
But come D-day, we realized that we'd totally underestimated the challenges of recording indoors. Not enough lighting!!
Abhi’s room had muted yellow lights, and we could barely see anything through the lens. And obviously leaving the curtains open to let sunlight in was not an option since we were planning our own private entertainment, and not a peep-show for his neighbours.
It took us a full hour to figure things out. The problem was solved by Abhi basically gathering every single lamp from all over the house and placing them around the bed and focusing all the light on it.
And then came problem number two. We'd not turned off the camera (even though it wasn't recording) so that we could keep checking the light. So by the time we were ready, the camera battery had died! We'd not thought about the fact that the camera wouldn't come with all-new batteries. And there was no way that we were going to head out now to go find fancy-ass nickel-cadmium batteries at some pro video equipment shop. I almost wanted to cry!
Then Abhi said, “You know what? Fuck this, let's just use my phone.”
I shrugged in agreement. What else could we do, after all? I was so depressed by our massive kink-planning fail that I couldn't think of any other bright ideas.
We got into bed, Abhi turned on his phone camera and set it to “record”, and we started making out. And that's when we discovered problem number three.
Do you know how difficult it is to try to have sex while not using one arm at all? Because that arm is trying to hold a camera far away from you and get as much of the action into the frame as possible? No? It's bloody difficult!
All we kept getting were blurred clips of random body parts indistinguishably squashed together, or super zoomed in shots of our faces or shoulders and stuff. It looked bizarre - not even the slightest bit erotic. And the frequent stop and restart of activities that we were doing was completely killing the mood.
That's when we gave up. And ended up clicking pictures of each other making silly faces. And having plain old regular sex. There was no kinkiness to what we did, but it was great anyway. We laughed at ourselves as we made love, and that kind of made it pretty much the best (and most fun) sex we'd ever had!
The one conclusion we came to at the end of it all was that if you want to do adventurous things in bed together, plan better! And that maybe there is some point to buying a selfie stick!!
* Names changed to protect privacy.
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Published on Feb 14, 2016