25 WTF Thoughts I Had While Watching ‘Kaabil’
I should admit that I didn’t have high expectations of Kaabil when I went to watch it. The trailers gave away a bit too much of the plot, and the songs and promos hadn’t exactly inspired confidence. But I went because I didn’t want to judge the movie unfairly - considering that it’s been a while since Bollywood has featured differently abled characters as protagonists. But you know what, I should have just stayed home and spared myself a great deal of aggravation and outrage. Here’s my Kaabil review - in the form of how I felt as the movie progressed. Fair warning, though: this is full of spoilers...and might convince you to NOT watch the movie if you were planning to.
P.S.: Before you start, though, here's the basic plot in case you've missed the trailers. Two visually impaired people fall in love and are trying to build a life with each other... But then something awful happens that changes their lives forever.
1. She told him she was going to be at the dance school...and he knew exactly where and when to show up?
Hmm. Well. This at least explains the subtitle of the film: ‘The Mind Sees All’.
2. Are stilettos really the best option for Supriya during this shoe-trying-and-buying expedition?
I mean, sure, it would help Rohan identify her more easily by the sound of her footsteps, but wouldn’t she, for her own sake, be better equipped to deal with the world in more sensible shoes?
3. Okay, so they’ve been separated by the massive stampede at the mall - why aren’t they using their cell phones to call and find each other?!
Like, what, both their phones were simultaneously out of battery?
4. He’s bought them a house. That’s so sweet.
But how does a dubbing artist in Mumbai afford the down payment on a penthouse apartment in a highrise?!
5. She’s more excited about him putting a ring on her finger than him buying them a house.
Okay, I just don’t understand that.
6. I know Yami Gautam is playing a blind character and can’t use her eyes to emote…
But why is her face frozen in that smile? Hrithik at least has three or four different expressions.
7. Chat magni pat shaadi done!
And he’s being romantic with his new wife by pretending to be Amitabh Bachchan on the phone! *Facepalm*
8. Okay, what is happening? She’s been raped, they’re going with police escort to a hospital for her medical exam...in an auto?!
Ahhh, they did this so that they could get abducted easily and help the plot move forward. GOT IT.
9. Supriya was raped, abducted, thrown into the sea, slut-shamed at the police station, accused of trumping up charges...and Rohan is the one who’s sulking?
He won’t eat with her, talk to her, comfort her...and in the face of her saying ‘It’s okay if you want to leave me now because things have changed forever’, he won’t say a word? A+ for a**holery, dude.
10. Why is he leaving her alone at home and going off to work?
Where are their friends and neighbours? How does no one think that more than anything else this girl needs support and caring right now?
11. Wait, what? The victim of rape just killed herself because while she believes that she is strong enough to survive this and move on, it would ‘break’ her husband???
Whereas a wife’s suicide would do what - make him jump for joy? So, basically, the movie hinges on a) complete insensitivity to a rape survivor’s emotional trauma; b) utter lack of logic?
12. So, Rohan would basically have not known about the second rape if Madhavrao Shellar hadn’t actually told him about it?
The villains in this movie are really stupid.
13. Scratch that, this movie is stupid.
One villain told the hero what he’d done. And the hero is telling the other villains what he is planning to do. What is this - I’ll show you mine in the hope that you’ll show me yours? #ThreeCheersForZeroLogic
14. At least Amit and Wasim as villains are convincing characters.
Heyyy! I managed to find a plus point for this movie!
15. Oh look, gratuitous item number.
I hate to think that poor Urvashi Rautela probably had to get a bikini wax to be in this song. *Shudder*
16. Hrithik Roshan is going around recording people’s conversations on a cassette recorder - what YEAR is this movie set in?
Why doesn’t he just use his mobile to do this shit? Wouldn’t it be simpler?
17. OMG, what is with the people in this movie? Why do they keep answering calls from unknown landline numbers?
And why do they never call back/ text the saved mobile numbers to coordinate these shady meetings that they’re blindly agreeing to show up for?
18. Arre, why is Wasim’s dad getting stabbed now? He didn’t do anything to anybody!
And our hero Rohan has no qualms about innocent bystanders getting knifed in the gut in his quest for vengeance?
19. WHEN WILL THIS MOVIE GET OVER?!
Should I just go to sleep?
20. Whew, so Wasim’s dead…
Which means we must be at least two-thirds of the way through the movie.
21. Supriya’s ghost keeps chilling with Rohan - this is just as weird as Mary’s ghost hanging out with John in Sherlock.
What is this dead-wife-living plot device? When did it become so popular without me noticing?
22. Okay, I have to admit, there’s some justice to the rapist dying at the hands of his rape-enabler brother.
Almost two hours in, I’ve found a second plus point for this movie. Whoa, they’re on a roll.
23. AND AGAIN PEOPLE ARE RESPONDING TO CALLS FROM UNKNOWN LANDLINES.
Inko kabhi call-centre type spam calls nahin aate hai kya? Abhi tak calls screen karna nahin sikhaya kisi ne?
24. Okay, they just decided to steal the climactic sequence from FAN?
Literally the only difference between Aryan-and-Gaurav tumbling down from the roof of a building and Rohan-and-Madhavrao doing the same thing is that Rohan has a safety harness. *SURPRISE*
25. So, in the end, the two rapists are dead, the corrupt politician and his head honcho are dead… But going scot-free are the two police officers who messed with the rape investigation in the first place?!
And thus were actually responsible for the second rape and subsequent suicide? Shoot me, guys. JUST SHOOT ME.
So, NO, folks. This was not a movie about two blind protagonists being kaabil enough to live life on their own terms. Neither was this a movie about the brutal aftermath of rape that a woman has to live through. (Because, duh, obvs she kills herself to help the other people in her life cope with the situation.) This was basically a movie about Hrithik Roshan being kaabil of drawing people to movie theatres in spite of the film being a huge pile of steaming horseshit.
Images: Giphy, Tumblr
Published on Jan 27, 2017