If there’s one thing most of us agree on, it’s celebrating birthdays. They are special, and should be just that, nothing less. If you’re confused about what to do at your such-and-such friend’s birthday that’s coming right up, bake them a cake, buy them something they’ve been lusting after, spoil them silly – just don’t, DO NOT, say these things! (Else brace yourself for some unexpected reactions!)
1. “Heyyy, happy birthday… So, what’s special today?”
What’s special? My birthday is special, and yes, I have plans, and you’re not a part of them!
2. “OMG! Are you planning to colour your hair today?”
Why today? That’s just how it looks in the sun. You know what? I like the shading. Grey is my favourite colour.
3. “Your face looks different. Did you do something special?”
I’m about to. To someone else’s face.
4. “You sound just like your mother!”
Do you mean to say I sound motherly? Disappear!
5. “You are still young!”
Of course I am. Still? What still? What do you mean by still?!
6. “Single again this year?”
Again? Yes, thanks very much.
7. “So, when are you planning to tie the knot?”
Three days after you move to another planet.
8. “Wow, you just don’t seem to age!”
9. “They say 30 is the new 16.”
It’s not the sun that hurts my eyes, it’s your face!
10. “So, what do people your age do on their birthday?”
We just sit around and be fantastic. You?
11. “At least you are not as old as you will be next year.”
I would love to help you, but honestly, I don’t know how to fix stupid.
12. “So, where’s the party tonight?” (By some uninvited, random non-friend)
My birthday, my party, my cake. Go get your own!
13. “They say getting older has it perks. You can jump the queue, get to park easily, etc.”
Hmmm… I can’t recall the perks of being friends with you, though!
14. “Babe, you’re not getting older, simply getting greater in value.”
Look at my hand… Now, talk to it.
15. “I’ve taken time off for your party and plan to get totally sloshed!”
Tell me more… You are so interesting. (Yawn)
16. “You are not that old in dog years! If you were a puppy, this would be, like, your third birthday, not thirtieth!”
And you are non-existent.
17. “Happy birthday! Now you can go vintage shopping in your own closet. Hahhaahah!”
You know what’s wrong with you? Everything!