Home is more an emotion than a space, which is also why we often associate it with people, and not just settings. It boils down to finding comfort to simply be. And you know what? Like a lot of smaller things, the concept of just belonging is not seen as what it is. I feel it’s one of those feelings you value when you are unable to find it somewhere around yourself – somewhere you should be able to find it. I was able to register this the first time I made tea for some relatives. Every time someone comes over, it’s almost a thing in households that women end up in the kitchen. The first time I was sent in to bring tea, or just tend to what the guests wanted, it almost felt like being picked from a place that felt like mine, and being put in a set-up constructed for me.
Now that I see it, living in a man’s world is a lot like that. Being put in a set-up because other people want you there, but it’s not for you, so it cannot be comfortable. If I say that it isn’t easy, then that just becomes repetitive, because most things are not easy for women in a society. What I do know is that it’s lonely. And when that happens, you need to feel at home, you feel like wanting a community. On most days, it isn’t even something you can orchestrate. You find it. The ladies’ washroom is one example. Again, one of those smaller things that matter when you notice a lack of it.
So, the ladies’ washroom is one of those spaces that feel familiar. They feel safe. You can just be, without judgement.
Here’s an instance: Imagine getting a call from your mom, because she thinks you’re out with a girl friend. You’re actually out with a guy. So, you rush to find the first woman who’d lie for you. You get to the ladies’ washroom because that’s where it’s going to be easier. The thing is, you know that at least one woman would answer. And, she does.
Last week, I was out on a date, and didn’t share the details of it with my parents. My parents don’t ask a lot of questions, either. So, when I see other women, I do realize that I come from a certain privilege – a certain ease. Talking about my relationships, however, is still not something I can easily do at home. This is majorly because I know that that discussion could easily be met with judgement. So it made sense to just say that I was out with a friend, which was essentially a lie. To make it more believable, I had to make my mom talk to a woman I met in the washroom of a mall. And without asking any question, she did it. The thing is, she didn’t even question me after the call. Which, for some reason, felt very comforting. It was as if there was an unsaid understanding between us.
When I asked the woman how helping me was so easy for her, she said:
“I’ve been in a similar spot, where I have had to do something like this. For women, it gets especially tricky because telling people you’re going out with a guy requires a lot of explanation. I’m not doing anything wrong, but I have to make a case for it. On top of that, I just feel that it’s nice to be kind to people.”
From a woman’s perspective, I would do it too. And I think everyone who is going to, would have a similar reason. It’s simple: sometimes you do things for people out of concern. Other times, you do things because you know that it’s important to help, because you know how tough a situation is. It’s basic empathy. Something like a woman hiding from her parents that she’s with a guy is a similar situation. Women know it’s a weird space – just telling your parents that you could be in a romantic relationship.
Even if it’s not romantic, any relationship with the opposite gender is frowned upon. That’s how our society majorly functions. We don’t allow our women to live in a shared space, because it’s hard to trust men. The irony always hits us, though – something as basic as the fact that men get all the freedom despite the fact that women are told to fear what men “could do”. But that’s another conversation. Here, it’s about the fact that women wanting to share any relationship with a man is made to look like such a thing.
It’s not even something you can defend, because there’s no proper logic. People tell you things, so you listen, because arguing means being restrained from things further. Arguing or wanting an explanation eventually means being under more control – more surveillance. So, the easier path is lying. It may not be ethically appropriate, but if (and when) wanting freedom comes down to seeking permission, it’s normal to choose ways that require less effort.
Which brings me back to the first point – that when you find yourself in situations that feel like work, or the ones that make you feel out of place, you want solace. In a public space, you’d want to be surrounded by women, even if they are strangers you might never see or talk to again. After being in a similar spot, there’s one thing that I know for sure, that sometimes support comes in simple actions. It comes from simpler places – something as literal as the ladies’ washroom. This is solidarity that comes from empathy.
Because, in the end, you just want to be seen. You just want to be told that what you’re doing is not all wrong, because life is not all fair. That acknowledgement is hard to find, but it’s not impossible if you find your community.
