Yes, we know you’ve thought of it – imagining a large expanse of land destroyed for miles and the evil corpses of zombies slowly inching their way to where you stand, wanting to take a nice, chunky bite out of you and feeding off your brains with hunger. But after all those hours spent on video games, are you sincerely prepared for the zombie apocalypse, if it ever comes to it? Because I am not! Here are some of the reasons why I know for a fact that I will not survive the apocalypse!
1. My love for food
This could literally be the only reason on this list and it would still be enough! Take away all of my favourite things to eat from this world, and I’d immediately surrender to whatever it is that’s coming for me. Feasting on roadkill? No thanks. I’d rather turn into a zombie!
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2. Little to no knowledge of weapons
Unless these zombies are allergic to frying pans, fly-swatters, or my mother’s heaviest belan in the kitchen, I am a dead woman. Given how I can’t even swing a cricket bat unless motivated with the incentive of food as a reward. (See #1 for details)
3. The sweet arms of sleep
I am in a deep and committed relationship with my bed, which is complicated enough to get through especially on Monday mornings. With zombies lurking in the shadows and enough fear to have me pee in my pants at the slightest sound in my house, I give myself 24 hours before I give in to sweet dreams and sleep…for life.
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4. Inability to even start a fire
No matches or lighters or flammable fluid = no possible means of staying alive without warmth, food, or blazing torches for weapons. ‘Nuff said!
5. I’m so out of shape!
Being lazy comes so naturally to me that literally running for my life is an option I am not willing to take. Guaranteed, zombies are slow and will take ages to get to me if they chase me. But am I going to rely on physical exercise to outsmart zombies? Umm..no. *goes back to lazing on my bed and waits for death*
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6. No basic survival skills
After much yelling and chappal-throwing by my mother have I learned to cook three meals a day to support myself. But put me outside the house with no shelter, no food, no access to fellow human beings who can deliver food or take me to places I want to go, I will drop dead out of sheer fear and anxiety than being eaten by a zombie!
7. Risk of infection
We should all be more grateful for all the amazing medical attention we get even when we are sniffling with the common cold. Shove me into an apocalyptic earth with zero waste-management; even one breath of the contaminated air has the potential to permanently render all my body functions useless!
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8. Communication Shutdown
I definitely take for granted the lazy ease of communication that technology has provided me. Without power lines for any kind of contact with other human beings who are battling the zombies like I am, I solemnly feel I stand no chance of survival. *lays down and cries*
9. Lack of any human touch
After everything that’s said and done, I know that the biggest part of being me is the humanity that I live for every single day. Call me a baby if you like but without the loving support of every single person in my life, I am going to find myself giving up on our planet without the slightest hesitancy.
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Do you think you’d be brave enough to conquer the apocalypse by yourself? Let us know!
GIFs: Giphy
Also Read: Best Zombie Movies
