Random trivia: The mandatory Mukesh smoking ad wasn’t played for Kabir Singh. Guess why? ‘Coz the movie does a better job of putting you off drugs than any other anti-drug campaign ever will!
Kabir Singh is a love story about a man and his undying love for drugs. Shahid Kapoor plays Kabir Singh, and Kiara Advani plays Poonam from Vivah. That’s right, it’s the exact same character, minus the neck stiffness. In the age of movies like Masaan and Piku, nobody should be watching a love story like this. Well, I went through that torture, so you don’t have to.
*Spoilers and cringe ahead, read at your own risk.
1. Here you go, a sant Kabir doha to start off the movie with. Hmm.
2. Oh wait, he was talking about love and now the scene cuts to his bike. Was he talking about the bike or Preeti?
3. Did he just ask a woman to strip herself at knifepoint? That’s assault! Can I please leave?
4. He is REALLY after sex.
5. Wow, it’s been 10 minutes and he is still looking for a girl to have sex with.
6. Okay, so EVERY girl on this planet wants to fuck him as well.
7. HE IS A DOCTOR?
8. He is an alcoholic who cures injuries with alcohol. Brandy peene ki jagah badan pe malta hain. How is he a college topper?
9. It’s been 45 minutes and Kiara hasn’t uttered a single word.
10. Did he just kiss Kiara without her consent?
11. “Healthy chicks like her gel better with good looking girls like you.” Wow, now he is deciding who she should hang out with. Oh no, let me rephrase that he is ALSO deciding who this ‘healthy chick’ should hang out with. Like, stand up for yourself girl! And stop this body shaming already!
12. This song Kaise Hua Tu Itna Zaruri is playing in the background while they roam about. My exact feelings.
13. Okay, wait, Preeti has cut her leg now.
14. He’s taking care of her.
15. Okay, he is taking her to his room, this doesn’t look good.
16. BOOM! They’re having sex.
17. The sex is done and now they’re back to studying. Yaar, kapde toh pehen lo pehle. (Cigarettes after sex? More like, padhaai after razaai)
18. GUYS PREETI JUST UTTERED HER FIRST WORDS! Hold your breath, she asked Kabir, “What do you like about me?” to which he responded, “I like the way you breathe.” Um… guys, continue to hold your breath and don’t leave it until you walk away from this stinker of a film.
19. I think he likes the way she breathes ‘coz that’s the only thing she is doing in the entire movie. No dialogues, no expressions, just pure breathing.
20. Why is he ordering her around so much?
21. He has named his dog after Preeti. Oh, wait. A pet! That’s how he’s treating her throughout the movie, like a pet.
22. Preeti’s dad is pretty judgmental of Kabir’s temper and rightfully so.
23. We’re halfway through this movie and Kabir has already been to a hospital, a prison and a wedding. Should’ve considered visiting a psychologist as well; this angsty teenager stuck inside a man’s body has got some serious issues.
24. He just claimed that she has no identity apart from being his girlfriend and she agreed? On the personality scale of 1-10, Kiara is a 100% victim of Stockholm syndrome.
25. He gives her six hours to decide how she is going to convince her dad for their marriage.
26. And now he has smoked up and won’t be up for the next two days, wow!
27. He has woken up, and two weddings have already happened – his brother’s and Preeti’s.
28. Did they just show a zoomed-in shot of his piss spreading over his crotch? OH MY GOD, why!
29. His friend compared his anger to PMS. So all of them are misogynistic?
30. Now Kabir has a cut on his crotch and there’s blood.
31. I have one doubt though, after consuming an impermissible amount of alcohol and weed, how does he still have those abs?
32. Guess what’s the twist? There’s a happy ending!
Imperfections in a protagonist should be celebrated as long as they come with a conviction and a cause. Kabir Singh manages to reinforce the same ideas of toxic masculinity that Bollywood has been serving us with its raging, chauvinistic heroes and Prems and Dabanggs. It’s high time that we stopped celebrating characters like these. Maybe the film industry can still undo this damage by nominating him for ‘Best Actor In A Negative Role’?
I rate this movie 1/5, and I would definitely recommend you to watch some other film.
Featured Image: YouTube
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