This is a long overdue letter to you – to the most important person in my life – me.
Between running to get to work, stressing out over meeting deadlines, and planning life into short weekends – somewhere, I shut you out. You kept calling out to me – sending signals to get my attention, with that frequent headache, the permanently foul mood, rising weight and disturbed sleep… But all I did was ignore your voice more and more. Until you resigned yourself to becoming from the loud thud of a beating heart to a hesitant sigh, quickly suppressed.
And the thing is, without the strength of my own spirit, I find fighting the world so much harder! It’s weird, but everything stops making sense when you’ve silenced the beliefs you had faith in, the principles you followed, and the dreams you aspired for. When you forget yourself.
I remember the time all those years, when I used to sit by myself – and read and think and wonder. I apologize for taking those moments away from you, and filling them up with other, less significant activities instead – for losing myself in relationships that could never match up to ours. I put all those men before you, and agreed with the world when it tried to “shape” you into perfection. It wasn’t just people. It was too much cake, too much booze, too much romance, too much drama, too much diet-after-gluttony, too much everything.
I know it’s my fault, and I apologize for everything today.
I apologize for ditching you to work too much, when you called me to bed for a sweet, dreamy night. I apologize for making you cry when you asked me to not stare away into a TV screen for hours. I apologize for the pounding headache I gave you in the morning because I was too caught up to stop partying through the night. I apologize for making you ache of a stiff back because I slumped in the couch instead of getting up and letting you stretch your limbs. I apologize for breaking your heart when I hung on too long to that romance that was long past its sell-by date, and for making you cry every time I refused to let go.
But they say it’s better late than never, and so I am writing to you – proposing a life-long relationship, one of love. You are the soulmate I was born with, and the one I want to grow old with. I want to satisfy your dreams, answer your questions and make you happy.
I want you to know that I am proud of all those times when you muster up the brightest ideas, the funniest jokes and the highest spirits – and those other times when you find yourself grappling with the simplest of things. I love you for the times I didn’t want to leave the bed and face the heat and the dust of the city and its people, and you fought with me to do just that, only so that I may not wallow in a corner forever.
I remember not so long ago how brave you were to not let me give in like the others for a college placement, but demand of me to go for another unpaid internship that came with the possibility of bringing me closer to my dream. How brave you were when you did not let me fall into the trap of agreeing to that rishta that would have meant not settling down but settling. You went against the world to stand with me, and I just wish to be as brave again – to do what feels right for us.
My soul is what defines me – not the degrees, the romantic relationships, the way I look. It’s those little acts of determination, of humility, those bold dreams, the strong belief that I will win – it’s those things that make me who I am. And I hope you will always, always find a way to remind me of that in the middle of the madness of everyday living. This time, I am listening.
With love, always,