In her recent Rolling Stone cover, Billie Eilish talked about her sexuality and the pressures of coming out. According to her, the new song “Lunch” from her upcoming third studio album, Hit Me Hard and Soft, was written about her crush on a woman. It comes down to how sexuality is, and will probably always be something that raises too many questions – both internal and external.
Her story felt like this reality check on how sexuality and gender identity work in different societies. In the context of India, for instance, there is never enough space to know or figure what works for you. Things are often too heteronormative, to even know that there is, in fact choice. From the experiences of people from the queer community in the country, there is one thing that we can realize – that the society doesn’t make it easy. The journey is not simple, and it feels like being a cis-het man or woman is rewarded. On top of that, the guilt associated with not “fitting in” comes in.
So coming out can definitely mean things that most of us cannot even image. These journeys are a reminder:
1. “It was a random afternoon at my friend’s house. We were playing Ghar- Ghar with our Barbies. Cut to a few moments later, I randomly kissed her out of nowhere and just ran because I was so ashamed of myself. I didn’t know why I did that. She stopped talking to me after that incident. And her family started calling me Chudail for some reason.
Now, the realization happened when I was in college and I happened to be in a girls college. There was this girl who was extremely attractive. Once I was sitting in a class and she came towards me. Pretty pretty close. I couldn’t stop myself from looking at her. It was a Bollywood scene. It all made sense in that moment.”
– Ambika
2. “I came out to my mom in my mid-twenties when I had my first boyfriend. It was anti-climatic. Her response was, “So what would you like for dinner?” I said, “Didn’t you hear what I just said?” She deadpanned, “Yes, and we still need to eat.” It was really such a non-issue for her.”
– Anonymous
3. “Two times. First time I remember stepping into the shower and thinking “could I be a lesbian? lol, nah.” Sometime over the next two weeks I thought I was bi. And then like three months later, on my way home from therapy my mom casually said, “you know you’re a lesbian, right?” Don’t even remember the context, but I was like oh shit she’s right. Legit was thinking the previous weeks that I’ll call myself bi but only be with girls.”
4. “When I realized not every girl got as excited as I did when they got attention from the popular girls. Also clicked when I finally understood the emotions behind songs and movies about love when I thought about my first girl crush while listening to/ watching them.”
5. “The first time I said I was gay I was 5. Ellen Degeneres had just come out and I watched her talk about it on Oprah. I turned around and said, “That’s me!” to my mom. She asked what I meant and I said, “I’m gay.” I then at 7 years old said to my parents, “I’m a lesbian.” They asked if I knew what that meant and I said, “I’m going to marry a girl.” And left to go play. The stories haunted me when I was trying to remain in the closet haha. They were always told at social gatherings for the laughs. Then I realized it myself when I was about 12 and I was having my usual fantasies about girls and realized what that meant. That’s when I admitted it to myself completely. I didn’t come out officially until a few years later.”
– Anonymous
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6. “When I was young I had a crush on Joey from Friends. I really think that is the first time I had an inkling that I was gay. 😛 So that was sometime between ’94 and ’04. I was born in ’92, so it was probably like ’96 or ’97.”
– CullenDM
7. “I only came out to people I confirmed were allies already and luckily the friends who were still close were fine with it.”
8. “It wrote a long letter and gave it to two of my best friends. They were sitting in a parked car in front two seats and me in back. I gave them the letter and buried my face in my lap waiting for the “reaction”. They hugged me afterwards and said I am really brave and that it’s all okay. That was my first coming out. Over the years I have come out to different friends and it has always been very positive.”
These stories are a reminder of the privilege that is unduly given to most people in the society, and taken away from the rest. Maybe even the literal privilege of getting to love people who we love.
