I still remember the first time we met. I saw you, you smiled, and I knew I was in love. You knew that too, didn’t you? A thousand nervous smiles later, we started dating. I still remember how you made me feel all warm and fuzzy every time you were around. But I also remember how we crumbled and fell apart. I thought it’s just a phase when you told me for the first time that we need to talk. But the day you decided to move out, finally all the arguments, lies and deceit started making sense. I was anguished by your failure to make things work and hurt that you were so clear that you didn’t want this relationship or me. I hated you with all my being for breaking promises, for making me feel inadequate. Wasn’t I good enough for you?
How could I forget you? This was the most passionate and intense thing that had ever happened to me. I knew I would never fall in love again because something like this could happen only once in a lifetime. And I had already lost my chance.
Now when I look back and remember myself crying to the point that I would feel nauseated, I wish if I could console my broken self and tell her “You are going to be alright, baby!” I wouldn’t have been so harsh on myself had I known that everything falls in place eventually. You forgive your partner. You let go of the negative thoughts and hatred. You pick up the pieces of your broken heart. And you find love again.
Second love was not as crazy and magical as ours but it brought peace. It didn’t set unrealistic benchmarks like in the past. And even though it didn’t work out, it didn’t break my soul when it ended because I could now handle heartbreak with calmness and maturity.
The relationships I had after our breakup may not have been at the same heights of excitement, passion and intensity as ours but they were breathtakingly realistic. One reason could be, I now knew what I wanted from the relationship and my partner. There was no puppy love because everything that happened felt real. And normal.
To me, if my first love was a rollercoaster ride of strong, overpowering emotions, there was sanity and beauty in falling in love for the second time. Though at one point I badly wanted this relationship to work, now I am thankful that things didn’t turn out as I wanted them to because then I wouldn’t be the same person that I am today.
No hard feelings for you, because an unsuccessful first love taught me some very important lessons and made me a better lover:
The real relationship starts after the fun of the initial flirtation is over and the magic of the first kiss fades. How you behaved taught me how important it is to feel happy and satisfied even after the chase is over.
If there was a first, means there will also be a second, a third and more. The phase between you leaving and me meeting a new love was the time when I realised that until I let go of the old relationship, I will never find something more powerful and more beautiful than this.
In our relationship, there were several moments when either I felt that we wanted different things from life and that it wasn’t working anymore. But the fear of not holding you again, or not being beside you anymore stopped me from walking out. In the relationships that followed I knew where to stop. Not that I let my past decide the future of my present relationship, but at least now I am brave enough to let go when I know it can’t be stretched anymore.
Loving someone is not easy. There will be arguments. You and your partner will not be on the same page for a lot of things and that’s okay. Our relationship taught me that partners may disagree and also argue, if necessary. But at the end of the day, they have to resolve things by talking to each other or the ego will kill the relationship. Like it killed ours.
We can survive a heartbreak no matter how hard it may seem. Losing you taught me that though I loved you deeply and madly and yet survived a loss so painful, I can survive it again. And with every lost love, I will be stronger and wiser.
I am at a happy point now where I don’t condemn you anymore. I never had that sweep-me-off-my-feet feeling again in life but I definitely had some strong and meaningful relationships. I am saner now when it comes to relationships. And thanks to you, I am not afraid to love again.
P.S. I still think of you sometimes. After all, you were my first greatest love and my biggest lesson in life.
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