I’ll start with a disclaimer: I’m not a die-hard Bollywood fan. Sure, I do catch the occasional blockbuster with rave reviews. So naturally, when I was given an opportunity to watch and review this ‘iconic’ film, I had to do it. I mean..how bad could it be, right? Right?
Let’s find out! Here are some thoughts I had while watching Main Prem Ki Diwani Hoon, starring Hrithik Roshan and Kareena Kapoor, for the first time ever.
1. The movie opens with the line 'I will love him till the end of time.' Okaaaaay. It’s gotten so intense and it hasn’t even started yet.
2. The girls carrying around the 'LAST DAY OF COLLEGE' poster seems...unnecessary. I mean, I doubt someone is going to casually ‘forget’ it’s their last day. A group of chirpy girls (including Kareena Kapoor in braided pigtails) write “friends forever” on each other’s t-shirt. Such optimism.
3. Why does every other Bollywood movie have a teacher called “Mrs Braganza”?
4. It’s their last day of college and these girls are SO EXCITED to discuss the ‘hot topic’ of ‘SHAADI'--really?! That’s the only thing these girls are concerned about? I mean, if I were you, I’d at least wait to get my final exam results.
5. Okay, is it me or do these girls sound like Barbie dolls that had one too many Redbulls? No Sanjana, it’s NOT possible to have that THAT MUCH natural energy. Spill your dark secrets!
6. “These boys better feel obliged” YAS GIRL! Gotta admit they made some relevant points about the hot topic of ‘shaadi’.
7. Ah yes, they break into their first ‘impromptu’ song-dance of the movie. Still extremely high on energy. Doesn’t Sanjana’s face hurt from constantly smiling so hard?
8. This movie LOVES spelling obvious things out. Teachers carry a “WE LOVE OUR STUDENTS” banner. Students carry a “WE LOVE OUR TEACHERS” banner. What’s with this movie and banners?!
9. Okay, as ridiculous as this song is, they make pretty good points about refuting the expectations of the “coy, shy bride”. Damn.
10. Just please stop repeating the phrase “papa ki pari hoon main”. Please. For the love of God.
11. “Learn to trust your children”, says Sanjana’s ‘papa’ when her mother complains about daughters being too choosy about boys (are you serious, Aunty?). Now I get why she calls herself “papa ki pari”. Uncle seems like a chill dude, especially when it comes to shaadi.
12. Okay, can we address the creepy whispers of ‘sanjana sanjana’ every time Sanjana is on screen? Is this supposed to be a horror movie?
13. Sanjana’s mother is running after her with a ruler...what? Right after she declares she’s not going to let her daughter have ‘any say’ in her own wedding. Careful, aunty. Your misogyny is showing.
14. Sanjana got way too excited by her sister calling from America. We get it, you love your sister. Also, this is the first mention of this Prem Kumar character. Apparently, he’s a hot-shot businessman, yet his mother is ‘looking for a good Indian girl from their own community’ for him. How progressive. *eyeroll*
15. Of course, Sanjana’s mother is SUPER excited. When Sanjana asks about her prospective groom her mother says “he’s rich and belongs to a good family, that’s all you need to know”. Typical.
16. Wow. Aunty just forbade Sanjana from talking to Prem Kumar and told her to “just smile” if he asks her something. Of course, because women aren’t supposed to have opinions! They’re just meant to sit pretty and smile!! Ugh.
17. Aaaaand enter Hrithik Roshan. And in case it wasn’t obvious that he was Prem, the filmmakers put a recurring chorus of “prem prem prem prem” in the background. You know, just so we don’t get confused. How thoughtful.
18. Okay, why does Hrithik Roshan sound like he’s prepping for his character in Koi Mil Gaya? His excessive enthusiasm makes me suspicious. It certainly looks like Sanjana and he are made for each other.
19. Okay. I didn’t think it was possible but this Prem is even chirpier than Sanjana! He’s definitely on something.
20. Sanjana’s mother has decked her up in a traditional salwar suit and is making her practice her “smile”. And Sanjana is NOT having it. We feel you girl!
21. “Everything here is so sundar aunty!!!” Ugh, I’m sick of Prem already. If I took a shot every time Prem said “aunty” I would have alcohol poisoning by now.
22. Okay, it’s confirmed. Prem is definitely on suspicous substances. He makes Sanjana look dull. NOBODY is that enthusiastic about river rafting Prem, nobody. He also just chugged three glasses of badaam milk. THAT'S NOT NORMAL, PREM!
23. Okay, Sanjana screams, breaks into a seductive song-dance while throwing shade at Prem, and ends it with a scream. What. The. Actual. Fuck.
24. Okay, I’m not even halfway through the movie and I’m already wondering whether it’s supposed to be a satire or if it’s just...terrible?! Every character is a caricature. Except for Sanjana’s papa. He’s the only sane one.
25. Did Prem just ‘casually’ slap Sanjana’s friend’s butt?! This is NOT funny. He then starts singing and chasing around Sanjana and his friends...is this supposed to be charming? Because they’re suddenly enamoured by him?!
26. And by the end of the song, Sanjana is in love with him. Just like that!
27. Sanjana’s father just flew off his bike and into Prem’s arms in a faux “accident”. It’s going to take a while to get that visual out of my head. Okay, now Prem is giving Sanjana’s father a shoulder massage. Drop the act, dude.
29. Okay, now he’s moving into their store room just to impress Sanjana’s papa?! How is nobody catching on to this suspicious behaviour? Next, he’s buying flowers for her professor’s retirement party....a bit much, Prem?
30. The couple behind Prem and Sanjana’s car is making out, and Sanjana is SO awkward. Prem just gives Sanjana a lecture on how “love and sex is a universal phenomenon”. What..does...that...mean?
31. Prem waited for Sanjana after college even though she didn’t ask him to (kinda stalkerish tbh) and suddenly she realises that he’s ‘the one’ and she responds by...crying? And running into his arms in the most dramatic way. Aaaaand we have another song-dance. Great.
32. OHMYGOD! It just dawned on me that the title ‘Mein Prem Ki Diwani Hoon’ literally translates to ‘I’m in love with Prem’. Geddit? Prem Kumar. Why didn’t I catch on to this earlier?
33. He’s going to Delhi for work. Good. Maybe we’ll get a break from this guy. Sanjana is pissed that he didn’t tell her though. She tells him he needs to give her an update on ‘every minute, every second’ of his life. Sure, Sanjana. Those are extremely reasonable expectations.
34. Okay, Prem’s repetitive “AUNTYYY” has been replaced by the enthusiastic “WOHOOOO”. Make. It. Stop.
35. This Valentine’s Day party is the most comical thing I’ve ever seen. How is Sanjana so enamoured by his ketchup-laden burger?!
36. Okay, this party look a very dark turn. The men are supposed to tattoo the names of their lady loves! THIS IS NOT ROMANTIC! ….And of course, Prem is the first one to tattoo Sanjana’s name over his shirtless torso. I feel like he just needs an excuse to take off his shirt. The tattoo looks like the cheap water-tattoos we used as kids, LOL.
37. And Sanjana is in tears! REALLY, SANJANA?! Now she’s started singing. How much longer do I have to endure this?
38. OH MY GOD, PLOT TWIST!!! Sanjana’s papa just got an email from Roopa that ‘Prem Kumar’ had to make a detour to Japan and hence couldn’t make it! What?! Who is this guy then?! Is he an imposter? Was he lying this entire time? How is he also a businessman who runs a business in Sundernagar? WHAT IS HAPPENING?!
39. Okay aunty, don’t you think it’s a little creepy that you’ve put up a framed picture of Prem in your house? You’ve known the guy for like, a week. Okay, two weeks. But still.
40. The big reveal! His name is Prem Kishen and NOT Prem Kumar! He works as a business development manager at Prem Kumar’s company and they were classmates in college! Meanwhile, Sanjana and Prem Kishen are suddenly on a beach? Prem is shirtless (shocker) and is wearing the tiara he won for Sanjana?! And of course, they start singing and dancing. AGAIN. While they’re having *sexytimes*. Of course, on the other side, Sanjana’s parents are freaking out!
41. Aunty is determined to make things work with the Original Prem. “But Prem Kishen is also a nice boy,” points out Sanjana’s papa. Auntyji loses it. Doesn’t uncle get that Prem Kishen isn’t as rich as Prem Kumar?! Huuuuge difference, buddy!
42. Exit Prem Kishen, enter Prem Kumar! He arrives in a fleet of fancy cars and sports a poker face. Something tells me he doesn’t share the same amount of enthusiasm as Prem Kishen.
43. Okay, this Prem Kumar sounds like a tool. He’s always scowling, and apparently only eats khaana made by his mummyji. His own mother tells everyone that he has no friends or hobbies. LOL.
44. If it wasn’t obvious that Prem Kumar is now smitten by Sanjana (he’s creepily staring at her pictures on his laptop), he decides to go to her college function to *surprise surprise*, watch her sing and dance.
45. Oh, I get what’s happening now. They’ve strategically sent Prem Kishen on the business trip to Delhi so that Sanjana has a chance to hang out with Prem Kumar. They want to leave her with an ultimate dilemma--which of the two (semi) handsome prince charmings should she choose?
46. Wow Sanjana, you’re doing adventure sports with this Prem too? You can’t have your cake and eat it too.
47. Did Prem Kumar just...subtly profess his love for Sanjana through a poem? She’s still clueless, of course. I wonder how she’ll react when the truth is finally revealed to her about the Great Prem Mix-Up. Who thinks that would have been a better title for the movie? Just me? Okay.
48. Okay so Prem’s mother just gifted Sanjana a necklace made of massive diamonds and tells Sanjana it’s because she ‘really likes her’. Ugh, how clueless can you be Sanjana? NOBODY JUST CAUSALLY GIFTS PEOPLE EXPENSIVE DIAMOND NECKLACES FOR NO REASON.
49. …..Aaaaand looks like Sanjana’s finally caught up with what’s going on! Glad she figured out that the necklace was an expensive gift!
50. HAHAHA the iconic “Toh phir problem kya hai?” question! Apparently, as long as she hasn’t been defiled by the Imposter Prem, it’s all good in the hood for auntyji!
51. Wow aunty is a master manipulator! She’s saying if Sanjana doesn’t marry Mr Fancypants Prem, her sister’s husband’s business will fail! Slow clap, aunty! Sanjana’s papa, on the other hand, said the decision is hers alone. Awwww! #FeministUncle
52. Okay, Sasta Prem is back in typical fashion...yelling ‘Sanjana wohoooo’ at the top of his lungs. I did not miss him AT ALL. He runs into his boss and celebrates “boss ko pyaar ho gaya”. Little does he know….
53. Prem Kumar just officially proposed marriage to Sanjana...errr kind of. And you would think now is the time for her to come clean but….nope. She responds by staying silent?!
54. Seems like Prem Kishen is as bad at picking up hints as his lady love. Sanjana is just sad...how’s that helping anyone, Sanjana? How about you stop being sad and start talking to the people involved. Oh great, she’s singing again.
55. Uh-oh. Sasta Prem just got the memo. Prem Kumar and Sanjana are going to get married! *cue sad music*
56. Okay, why the fuck is Sanjana still silent?! Doesn’t she owe Prem Kishen an explanation? Her character has become so spineless it’s getting on my nerves now.
57. So Prem Kishen left. And Sanjana didn’t utter a word to him. Nice.
58. She finally speaks to him and he tells her that Prem Kumar has more of a ‘right’ on her. She asks him to come to his place and come clean to everyone. So he decides to run away instead. Great way to deal with your problems!
59. So... Sanjana agrees to get engaged to Back-Up Prem instead. And she cries through the entire ceremony...and nobody in her family notices? Like, she’s full-on bawling!
60. Oh my god! Imposter Prem is here! And he’s pretending like nothing’s wrong. Sanjana walks up to him and... SLAPS HIM?! ...and then falls into his arms crying? What the actual fuck, Sanjana. Make up your mind.
61. So it turns out Original Prem is the only sensible one, besides Sanjana’s papa. You’d expect him to get pissed off because of the fact that neither Sanjana nor Subordinate Prem gave them as much as a whiff of what was actually going on...but he decides to take the high road and encourages them to be together, despite everything. These two spineless creatures can finally be together. Yay. I’m ready for this movie to end now.
62. Just when you thought it was over...there’s another scene...in which Sensible Prem and Sanjana are playing some...get this…“friendship day game”. Sanjana’s got sindhoor on her forehead, so she’s obviously married to...sigh, Annoying Prem.
63. Original Prem gives a speech about how you can love someone without being with them...Okay? A bit creepy considering she’s married to your namesake now. And Enthu Cutlet Prem is also around...laughing and giggling.
64. The movie ends with a typical *Bollywood style* sex scene...aka you see clothes and shoes across the floor, as Sanjana and Prem Kishen make terrible movie puns in the middle of some *sanskaari* lovemaking...and FINALLY! The credits!
I would like to end by saying… I want the last three hours and seventeen minutes of my life back.
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