One unfateful Saturday afternoon, I decided to watch Sonam Kapoor and Salman Khan’s Prem Ratan Dhan Payo. This 2015 movie is written and directed by family man Sooraj Barjatya, so you can expect lots of sanskaar and atyachaar. The movie has two Salmans (if one wasn’t enough) - one is a to-be king and the other a pauper. Sonam is engaged to the prince, but he is attacked and replaced by the pauper.
If I thought Race 3 was torture, this proves that Salman’s movies should come with a disclaimer: Watch at your own risk. Read to know all the thoughts that I had while watching Prem Ratan Dhan Payo.
1. The credits are rolling. It starts now!
2. So Swara Bhasker was Bhaskar back in the day. Interesting find.
3. Salman Khan’s legal counsel and tax counsel? Why do they need to be credited in the movie, I wonder.
4. The movie starts with an Aarti and Ram Leela. How sanskaari.
5. They’re harassing Sita on stage now. Oh my God!
6. Salman has entered with an insane dialogue. Now he’s fighting for Sita and bashing up her harassers.
7. Why is he matchmaking during Ram Leela! Now it’s Prem Leela? His name is Prem Dilwala. Why, Bhagwan, why?
8. Sita was played by a guy!
9. Enters Sonam. She is a princess and a philanthropist. But she wears leather boots and commutes in a helicopter (Prem Dilwala calls it an udan khatola). So Prem Dilwala saw Princess Sonam once and fell in love with her. He's now going to meet her.
10. Enters Salman No. 2. He is a to-be king, so people call him Yuvraj.
11. Yuvraj is an angry young prince. He’s also a pompous parampara priye.
12. Armaan Kohli in the house! Bigg Boss se seedha Salman ki movie. Much wow.
13. The actor with three names, Neil Nitin Mukesh, can handle a sword.
14. Neil is Yuvraj’s younger brother from another mother. Their way of greeting is a sword fight!
15. Salman’s dad had three wives? So many kids!
16. Chandrika (played by Swara Bhasker) and Radhika are Yuvraj’s sisters and they’re not very happy with him for some reason. Insult kar di bhai ki muh pe!
17. Yuvraj has an iPhone! But he’s travelling in his royal carriage. How times have changed!
18. Must say that Salman looks horrible with a moustache. But he’s going to get killed now so I’m reserving my comments.
19. Yuvraj Salman’s carriage drops into the lake. One down, one more to go. :P
20. Back to Prem Dilwala who is buying sweets for Sonam. He is singing a song, Gunjiya lete chalein. A song on buying sweets. Skip.
21. Yuvraj’s security personnel has spotted Prem Dilwala on the streets and offers to take him to Sonam! I wonder why no one else from his praja could see that their Yuvraj was dancing on the streets, yo!
22. Yuvraj is critical. In the place where they are treating him, they have medical equipment, but no electricity. Mashal ki roshni mein the doctors are at work.
23. Yuvraj’s loyal secretary Anupam Kher is so grave. This must be Anupam Kher’s worst movie to date. Did he also do it for the money, like Anil Kapoor and Race 3?
24. The security personnel has brought Prem Dilwale to where they are treating Yuvraj. But why has Prem Dilwala started dancing suddenly? About Radha no less.
25. Anupam Kher has a plan. Get Prem to be Yuvraj and find out who attacked him. He suspects Yuvraj’s brother, his friend and secretary. On point!
26. "Suhaaag ki raksha". "Sindoor pe hamla." Who talks like this?
27. Anupam just told Salman not to overact. Haha! Like that could ever happen.
28. Neil is angry because elder bro Yuvraj never passes his bills. Why can’t you do some work, Neil?
29. Oooohhhh! Armaan Kohli is the one who has caused a rift between the brothers.
30. Princess Sonam is coming to Yuvraj’s hometown by train. They are engaged to be married.
31. She’s wearing sunglasses on the dining table. Inside the house. And the dining table is for 50 people.
32. She’s crying! She thinks he’s not happy with their relationship and she’s scared of him.
33. Prem Dilwala listens to Sonam and asks her to tell him all her complaints. He’s taking her around to his school, his polo club and she’s talking about every wrong he has done to her. BORING!
34. Complaints in a song. This is a strange way to woo your beloved, I must say.
35. Sonam can’t stop with her complaints. God, isn’t she whiny? Stop with the crying, woman!
36. Yuvraj misbehaved with Sonam! So basically the prince has no redeeming qualities. No wonder his own family members hate him.
37. Another song. Kill me now!
38. Sonam is falling in love because of some random acts (difficult to explain in words). What planet are they on?
39. Swara hates Sonam also. Oh no! Swara threw away Sonam’s gift. Khule bazaar mein apmaaaan!
40. They were childhood buddies, but Swara doesn’t like Sonam anymore because she’s marrying her stepbrother Salman.
41. Someone says Swara and Yuvraj’s other sister are poor. I’m sorry, mamuli suvidha aur makaan? Looked like a damn fine bungalow to me! Maybe they’re poor in rich standards.
42. Ohhhh! Swara is the mistress’s daughter. Her mother was not married to the king!
43. Swara threw more gifts. What a woman!
44. Assault. Assault!!! Why do they think it’s funny when a man touches a woman inappropriately?
45. Salman and Sonam have come to some garden outside Yuvraj’s sisters’ house. But why do they look like Salim and Anarkali?
46. Little sister ruined the flower decoration. How the fuck did she manage it? The garden wasn’t that close and her shot was wrong. Fuck Physics!
47. Salman wants everyone to play football because his younger stepsister likes it. She’s watching from her balcony but Swara won’t let her go out.
48. Let’s kick some ball! Yay!!!
49. They play football in sherwanis and lehenga/saree. More horrible singing.
50. I really hope Baichung Bhutia never sees this movie. I’m crying for all football lovers.
51. Little sis is playing football but she can’t see she’s playing alone. No one is even defending. What a win!
52. We are a family. Almost. Swara didn’t like this part and takes her sister away.
53. Salman wants to know, "Why, Swara, why?"
54. Swara wants the palace and Prem Dilwala says, le lo. Can I get one too?
55. Yuvraj is kidnapped! Anupam Kher is sick. Prem Dilwala is leaving after an altercation with Anupam Kher.
56. Now background story spins a web. Maharaja commissioned Sheesh Mahal for all four kids to live together, under one roof, with their mothers. I’m sorry to say this, but this palace is really tacky.
57. Maharaja is being described as an ideal father. Please remind them that he betrayed two women and did grave injustice to his kids.
58. Why design such a dangerous (and tacky) mahal? Especially when you have four kids!
59. Whaaaatttt! Did Maharaja’s wife just slap her sautan’s daughter?
60. Auraton ke jhagde? Really? The king screwed up by cheating on his wife!
61. They’re finally having the coronation for Yuvraj. He will now be the king. But remember: The real Yuvraj is still kidnapped. They have crowned the wrong Salman.
62. Dialogue, dialogue more dialogue. Drama, drama, more drama. Family united.
63. Sonam can’t wait to have his babies now. Prem Ratan Dhan Payo song starts. She’s dancing like she’s scored a jackpot. Let her find out she’s in love with a doppelgänger.
64. So, no one cares that Sonam has fallen in love with someone she won’t get married to. They’re fucking up her life, but for a greater good?
65. Sonam and Prem Dilwala are drinking tap water. Kaunsa desh hai yeh? Can’t be India!
66. More complaints.
67. Oh my God! Are they talking about sex? Milan ki raat = first night? Did I just hear a euphemism for orgasm?
68. She wants sex. He is trying hard to control himself because he's the fake Yuvraj. Good call!
69. He says I don’t love you. She says your eyes love me. Fuck all, this is.
70. Blah. Blah. Blah.
71. Yuvraj is tied up in the Sheesh Mahal. He is wearing sweats and stomping like a bull.
72. Salman meets Salman.
73. Did he just say sindoor pe kalank? Who’s the scriptwriter?
74. Wow, climax is just terrible. And long.
75. So you just need to pull a rope to bring the chandelier down. Good to know.
76. Bhai bhai song playing while bhai bhai fight.
77. More lecture on family values. More drama. Can you please kill him or die?
78. Neil guilty. Salman senti.
79. They used such poor quality material to build this palace. The king should have executed the architects.
80. Neil is forgiven for attempting to kill his brother. Yeh hoti hai family.
81. Armaan Kohli dies of stupidity. Fitting.
82. Sonam is gonna get a shocker.
83. Yuvraj was not Yuvraj! Oh no!
84. Prem Dilwala is leaving and Sonam runs to the balcony to see him go with tears running down her face. Songs pe hi kaam kar lete if the script felt like too much work.
85. Prem Dilwala is back to his town. And look who has arrived! Sonam’s granny who had two scenes in the entire movie. With Sonam and others tagging behind.
86. Yuvraj says Sonam belongs to Prem. Now Neil, Swara and the little sister have accepted Fako as a brother. Lame.
87. Sonam didn’t have one word in the entire scene. Now she’s a commoner too after marrying Fako. She’s buying veggies and dancing on the streets with him. What happened to your business, Sonam?
88. Bollywood needs to rethink how they portray women. And how they use designations. Stay awhile on Amazon and see the credits: Personal Boy and Personal Driver.
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