Three bouts of depression and five breakups invites a lot many opinions and rightly so. From the oh-so-sympathetic ‘awww’ to the horrified ‘oh my god’; not to forget the super judgmental ‘why did you date 5 guys in the first place?’, I’ve faced it all. Whether the reactions were sharp, or subtle, little could anyone do to make me feel any better. And in case you’re wondering, yes the 3 bouts of depression were indirectly related to my failed relationships.
When you date one guy after another, apart from the rebound theory, you definitely wonder why they all ended so brutally. And the same happened to me as well. Break-up after break-up made me emotionally vulnerable, sensitive and weaker. Not to mention the loss of self-esteem and confidence and the emotional wreck that I’d become. The first bout of depression hit me hard, shaking me down to the core, and I did not see it coming. For those who haven’t experienced it ever before, it’s a feeling of constantly choking on your feelings, losing all sense of self and being, feeling of being locked up in a dark room in dark clothes and the worst part, you start believing it will never end. But the thing with depression is that, after lingering long enough, making you bleed dry (metaphorically, of course), it starts fading away. When you look back, you can’t really pinpoint what was that exact day or time when you started healing and feeling better. So, trust me when I say this, I’ve been through hell and back, with 3 bouts of depression and 5 heartbreaks. Finally, as a resolve to save myself, I decided to retire from my obsessive dating lifestyle, resigning myself to single hood and dedicatedly doing all that it takes to maintain my mental sanity and peace. Funny thing, one really just starts praying for mental peace and harmony while everything else seems irrelevant after having experienced all this.
No surprises for guessing that I’d started living life as a sole warrior, with my defences in place, walls built high up around me, living my life on my own terms. Sounds really empowering right? It felt the same, too. Well, at most times. Except some of the lonely nights when I just wanted to lay my scarred heart bare in front of someone who could face my dark side, my raw emotions, my unapologetic sense of self that was a mix of over-sensitive & over-ambitious without feeling overwhelmed or scared. Most of all, for whom my over-brimming heart of love was not too much and who had the same or more love to give me in return. I surely did consider writing a novel on this man, and perhaps title it as The One That Didn’t Exist.
Functioning on little sleep and extremely grumpy, I was driving to work on a Thursday morning, when out of nowhere, a man crossed the street and got hit by my car. Furious and frightened, I halted the car on the side, stepped down and helped him up. Unlike what we’re taught and the horror stories of helping strangers that we hear, I don’t know what had gotten into me that I decided to help him. Maybe that’s where my sixth sense kicked in and said that this was not danger. So I helped him into my car and drove him to the nearest nursing home so that his bleeding knee was tended to. Weirdly, he didn't say a word on the way either. Once he was tended to, I took his phone number for any further expenses that I might have to bear for his wounds. And that story ended, just like that. Or at least I thought it did. The next day, I dropped him a text asking him how he was feeling, to which I got no response. Later in the evening, I received a call from him, apologising for carelessly jumping in front of my car, for hassling me and thanked me for helping him. As the conversation went on for longer than expected, next thing I saw it was 4am by the clock. Frightened of falling into the trap of attachment and that too with this complete stranger, I decided to give up at once. I’ll have to admit that he was a really good looking chap, and that didn’t help my case at all. As they say, the more you try to suppress them, like water, feelings have a way flowing. I couldn’t resist talking to him, and soon the conversations turned into reluctant and then excitedly well planned dates. What was so special about him that drew me to him like a magnet, my overactive brain often wondered. Well, it was the fact that he embraced my true self, with all my feelings, darkness, past experiences, scars so whole heartedly like it was his life purpose. He made me feel as if it were my vulnerabilities and sensitivity that made me most beautiful. After spending time with him, each date left me loving myself a little more. And how can you possibly keep away from a man who constantly strives for you to heal and love yourself unapologetically. And so, once again, I boldly welcomed another man into my life. Once again, with bated breath and fear in my heart, I said to him, I love you, I’d like you to be with me for a very very long time. For one lifetime, feels too short to love myself and you.