During my first year of college, I made a LOT of friends. Being a total ‘enthu cutlet’ I would talk to everyone and anyone. But soon all this enthusiasm took a different turn for me. I started bunking classes, spending time drinking and smoking with people I considered friends, for they shared my laughter and (sometimes) the bill. Whenever I did attend classes I would insult my teachers, calling them out for things even I didn’t quite understand in life.
This is also the time when I met Abhay and his friends. The first time I met him I knew I was in love. And would do anything for this man. But the same feelings were hardly ever reciprocated. Abhay used to ask me for money, I would give him money. Abhay used to ask me for sex, I would give him sex. Of course, though my bedroom activities went unnoticed by my family, my bank transactions weren’t. After several warnings, my father froze my card. I was infuriated. How could he put me in such a position? I started to hate everyone who kept warning me.
It wasn’t until that night at a friend’s party that the truth hit me head on. I was with my usual gang when one of them pointed out how “slutty” I had been behaving lately. I laughed it off but they didn’t. I thought I was popular but I began to realise that I was actually dependent on them for my popularity. By this time I felt stupid and insecure. I got up, called my driver and went back home. I cried all the way back home. Could I really blame them for saying all these things about me when I had chosen to bring them into my life?
I was home when Abhay called me. “I urgently need 20,000 rupees baby!” he told me. “I don’t have any money right now.” I told him “Yeah I know, can I collect money tomorrow morning?” he asked “Abhay, I really don’t have any money right now. You know my parents froze my cards.” *click* I heard from the other end. He had hung up on me. I kept calling him back but he had blocked my number. I felt worthless, how could I be so stupid? How did I not see any of this coming?
That night I made the biggest mistake of my life - I slit my wrist. I had made only three or four scratches when my bathroom door was thrown open by Nikhil, my best friend. I was lucky, to say the least. My parents had been worried that I hadn’t answered my calls and asked her to go check up on me. He rushed me to the hospital, I was feeling dizzy and couldn’t stand up. My arm was treated and bandaged while he talked to someone on the phone. Then he came back inside and sat down next to me. “I know about what happened at the party.” he said in a stern tone “But were you really going to do this for all those people who don’t care about you?” “I...I…” I couldn’t say anything in front of him. “If you can do this for them then what can you do for people who do care about you?” he asked. I looked up at him, tears in my eyes. “Anything.” I replied. “Okay, just live.” he said taking my hands in his.
That incident changed my life. I changed college and tried to turn my life around. “It is time for a fresh start.” was what my father told me “because if you kill yourself, you’ll kill us too.” I am not justifying my mistake, and this is not to encourage anyone to try to harm themselves. It can never do you any good.
Today, four years later, I am more confident. And so glad to be alive. I have completed college and am about to join a new job and life is, more or less, worth living!
*Names changed to protect privacy
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