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I unbuttoned his shirt faster than I generally would have. The camera was placed on my dressing table, the one that had a direct view of the bed. I thought about how we got here, making a sex tape. Was it probably the last drink I had or was it that conversation about trying something new in bed? You need a little spice in life after you’ve been dating for four years, right?
I checked again if the light was blinking. ‘You might want to focus here.’ he said. I laughed nervously in response.
‘I am just getting a little conscious. Why are we doing this again?’
‘You don’t want to do this?’ he asked
‘No, I want to. I just… forget about it.’
‘It’ll be okay.’ he said, kissing my forehead.
Blink, blink. The blinking was the only light in the room. And if there was anything it was definitely bringing into focus, it was my anxiety.
‘Wait.’ I told him ‘I don’t think I want to do this.’ ‘Okay, whatever you like.’ he said heading up to the table and turning off the camera. Well, that was a huge fail. Why couldn’t I do it? It was just the two of us. And I trusted him more than anyone else in my life. So why not then? He was looking at me while I was busy trying to figure out the root cause of my worries. And then suddenly he pulled me by the waist and kissed me. And for one long minute, I went blank. ‘What was that for?’ I asked him, laughing. ‘You think too much. Don’t think, it’s me and it’s you and that’s all that matters. We don’t have to do this but don’t beat yourself over why you won’t do it now. Just let go. I love you and that’s that.’ he replied.
‘Well, in that case…’ I got off the bed and walked to the camera. I was naked, he could probably see all my stretch marks. He could see that I had love handles I wasn’t proud of. I knew he could see it all and I knew he was loving the view.
I switched on the camera and turned to look at him.
‘Take 2?’ he asked.
‘Take 2.’ I smiled, walking back into his already outstretched arms.
For the longest time I thought I shouldn’t watch that video. But eventually he convinced me to watch it and to be honest, it was all kinds of beautiful and awkward. And both of us loved it for what it was.