Dear boyfriend of This Girl Who Owns Us, we swear we love you as much as she does. But you need to work on your relationship with us - just as you work on the one you have with her. There are some amazing things about you...but here are a few things guys should know about boobs in general - and what you should know even though she’s not telling you!
Sincerely,This Girl’s Boobs
1. Nibble, not gnaw!
We know by your interest and enthusiasm that we probably taste to you like mutton burra kebab tastes to This Girl, but we are not actually food! We like your teeth, but not THAT much - so don’t you start chewing on us!
2. Stop focusing on just the nipples!
We are more than just our peaks. There’s at least 90% more ground for you to explore. A nipple is like...just the tip of an iceberg, but less dangerous.
3. Also, be FAIR.
Why do you pay attention to one of us and then get so caught up with other stuff that you forget about the other one? We’re twins - don’t make one of us feel jealous of the other.
4. Tongue is better than hands. Yep.
Your hands have better grip and can cover more territory, but quality over quantity always. Thirty seconds of smoothness and coolness get us more revved up than 120 seconds of dry touching!
5. Also, about those hands - don’t be TOO hard on us.
We’re not stress balls! Sure, we like it a little rough sometimes, but we don’t want to be strangled to death.
6. Yes, yes, our friend Vajayjay is kinda inaccessible to you when This Girl has her period, but please be sensitive to us too!
We too get kinda tender during that time of the month. Do not try to do to us what your penis wants to do to Vajayjay.
7. You can call us boobs, breasts, tits, even those silly nicknames you’ve come up with and This Girl for some reason smiles at…
But never titties, please. That sounds terrible. Also, not jugs or melons. We’re not vessels of water. Or fruit.
8. We love it when you liberate us from boob-jail, but be careful about it!
That time you passionately ripped her bra off and tore it and thought you were being all sexy, This Girl spent most of her time going ‘F***, that cost me two grand!’ - not ‘F***, that’s so hot.’
9. A boob job is way more fun for you than it is for us.
We don’t particularly like being put to work like that, so don’t ask for it too often. Okay? Okay.
10. We can always tell when you’re checking us out.
Even when This Girl is fully dressed. In case you hadn’t noticed, we try to signal our attention with some nipple-peaking.
11. This Girl loves it when you compliment us.
Because she, like all other girls, wonders if you like us more than other women’s boobs. So never hesitate to praise us! #JustSaying
12. A boobgasm is a real thing, by the way.
So, no, none of this is meant to scare you away. We’re just telling you how to treat us well to put This Girl in a frame of mind in which she wants to make you feel awesome. *Wink*
13. And This Girl absolutely adores it when you play with us during sex!
Dude. Have you not noticed that she moans so much louder while she’s climaxing when your hands or mouth or both are in contact with us? And that she climaxes faster and harder too?!Images: Tumblr, Shutterstock