After I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, who I had been in a relationship with for 2 years, I was kind of left hanging. I had no idea how to cope with all of the emotions going through my head and my heart.
In our generation, it’s just so much more practical to turn to the the internet for answers. Approachable, instant feedback, instant results… Right? So, I decided I was going to put my newfound singlehood to use and try my hand at online dating. Just a fling or something. I mean, why not? I signed up for quite a few websites and talked to over a dozen guys, all of whom turned out to be big no-nos! Either they were creeps or weren’t even capable of having a conversation for more than 5 minutes. And then… I met Divyansh.
As cliched as it may sound, he was different. His witty replies and refreshing sense of humour drew me to him. We chatted on that website for a week before he asked me out… On a real date. ‘Umm… Look Divyansh. I already told you I am not looking for a relationship. This is my coping mechanism. I am recovering from a breakup’, I typed, in response to his offer. ‘I know that. I am not asking you to be in a relationship with me. Just a coffee?’ he replied, adamant.
One date turned into 2, 3 and then 4 and soon we were actually dating. I tried, very hard, to not fall in love with him and reminded myself that this was supposed to be just a fling. But after a year of meeting him for the first time, I fell in love with him.
Two months into our relationship, something happened. We were at a friend’s party and everyone was pretty much wasted and passed out all over the house. We were both high and had a room to ourselves. We began making out and things got all hot and steamy. Just when I thought we were going to go all the way, he suddenly stopped, kissed me one last time and lay down beside me. I was confused but too much tequila had left me with no will to question him.
Next morning, as we were getting ready to leave I asked him ‘Why did you stop?’ He looked at me confused. ‘Last night, you stopped midway. Why?’
‘Umm… Please don’t get me wrong, but I can’t.’ he stammered.
‘Can’t what?’ I asked him.
‘I can’t have sex with you.’ he replied
I was taken aback but before I could ask him what exactly he meant by that he continued, ‘I want to wait till we get married. I know it sounds weird but that’s just how I feel about it. It has nothing to do with morals or religion or anything. Frankly, I have no idea what is a logical enough explanation for this. For me, sex is a very intimate act. I don’t believe in casual sex but I don’t look down on those who do. It’s just a personal choice. For me, having sex with my wife is what I have always imagined it to be.’
I stood there, looking at him, lost for words. ‘How come you never found time to tell me about this in the past one year?’, I asked him, on the verge of losing my temper.
‘I…don’t know. I am sorry,’ he said.
We stood in silence and then I walked out. I took a cab home and flung myself on my bed.
I felt embarrassed and hurt and lied to. I lay on my bed thinking… Was he cheating on me? Why did he not tell me about this? Was he planning to dump me? My train of thought was interrupted by his call.
‘I need time,’ I told him.
‘Does this matter so much to you?’ he asked.
‘Well, yes! You believe in choices and my choice happens to be able to have sex with my partner before marriage. And this isn’t even about that. It is about the fact that you lied to me, you hid this from me for one long year. I love you too and just because you won’t have sex with me I won’t dump you. I know for a fact that if I had not wanted to have sex before marriage I would have wanted you to understand. But I wouldn’t have lied to you or hidden this from you.’
For a minute there was complete silence.
‘I am sorry,’ he said.
‘Hmm. Please give me some time, Divyansh.’ I said calmly. ‘Is there anything else I need to know?’
‘Yes,’ he replied
‘What?’
‘I love you.’
‘I love you too’, I said and disconnected the call.
I ultimately did come around. I wasn’t going to breakup with him because he did not want to have sex yet. But the fact that he did not talk to me about this before entering into a serious commitment with me was what I found appalling. He shouldn’t have to be ashamed of not wanting to have sex just the way I am not ashamed to want to have sex before marriage.
We have been going strong for about 3 years. It is hard to resist at times but I do, because being with him feels right… And I’m sure it will be worth the wait.
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