The first advice anyone will ever give you after a breakup is to never ever talk to your ex again until the unsettling feeling of ‘you have done the wrong thing’ dies down. That’s what I was told when my first serious relationship ended. I mean how difficult could it be to not talk to the person who hurt you? I thought I was strong enough to do that...only, I wasn’t. Love does crazy things to you (yes, I am going to blame it on love).
Within just a few days, the longingness started to kick in. I couldn’t look at any other guy the same way as him. In my mind, I had already declared that I only wanted him. So just a few weeks after our breakup, I called him up and asked him to meet me. He was confused about why I wanted to meet but agreed anyway.
After I met him, I was all the more sure about my decision. Everything was perfect with him, we could laugh and talk and all those fights that led to our breakup didn’t seem to matter a lot anymore. However, after talking a little more, I found out that he was clear that even though he still had some feelings for me, he did not want to get into a relationship again. Although hurt, I had expected something like this to happen, so I decided to play my second card. I proposed that we should become friends with benefits. He was shocked to say the least. ‘Are you serious?’ he asked. ‘Yup, I mean, I want to be with you in some way and since we can’t get into a relationship, I’d rather do this.’ I replied.
‘I don’t want to do it. I know how things will go worse after we do that and I don’t want to go down that lane.’ he said.
‘What lane are you talking about? It’s just until we find someone better. We can be each other’s rebound.’ I tried to coax him into saying yes.
He was hesitant but agreed later. What was my plan? To show him the fun side of our relationship and, eventually, get him back. I don’t know what came over me but I could not imagine a life without him. And then began our ‘friends with benefits’ phase in life. Initially, it was tons of fun. We were carefree. Sneaking in and out of each other’s houses, meeting secretly, even our friends didn’t know anything about this.
However, after a while, all those old feelings started to creep back in. Me wanting to know where he was or him getting jealous when I talked about another guy. All those fights which we had forgotten about were back and only became worse.
This was the one thing he wanted to run away from. The commitment that I wanted was just too much for him and yet, he found himself at that exact position. So he left. However, this time, he left in the worst way possible. He didn’t explain anything to me and didn’t even say goodbye. Instead, he blocked me from everywhere and that was just that. For the next six months I had no idea where he was or what he was doing and to be honest, it killed me to not know.
I was unwillingly put into a phase of insecurity and confusion. Never, even in my worst dream, would I want to return to that place. So there, my first and only ‘friends with benefits’ relationship put me in the most tumultuous emotional state of mind. But I guess, in retrospect, it was the only thing that pushed me far enough to finally move on.