Love is when you’re able to take someone back even when they’ve hurt your feelings. Maybe it was done in the heat of the moment but a sense of fear whether it would happen again kept me up on most nights.
I loved him but honestly, I wasn’t sure of my place in his life. Sometimes, what’s broken can never be fixed. Like, trust for example. I felt strongly for him. I was willing to put the past behind us and start anew. I turned a deaf ear to those who stated the obvious. After all, I was a firm believer in second chances...
I was never known to be possessive or clingy but ever since I found out that he had cheated on me, I became obsessed about his every move. I took him back but I started thinking too much about the things he would say and obsess about his actions. Even though he cuddled me to sleep at night, I feared that it wouldn’t be the same the next day.
So I did something I never thought I would do. I had wanted to take a peek into his messages for a while now. I had noticed that every night he would be texting someone. Whenever I asked him, he would tell me that it was his mom, his office Whatsapp group or just one of his guy friends. I wanted to believe him but judging from our past experience, it itched me to find out who it was without being too nosy.
One night I woke up to drink some water and it turned out that he wasn’t by my side. The washroom light was on and surprisingly his phone was lying near the bed (he never left it outside). It was about 3:30 am and it kept blinking. Curiosity got the better of me and I checked his phone. I opened a Whatsapp chat. It was from a girl but her number wasn’t saved. She kept asking him to call her and sent a bunch of nude selfies on Whatsapp.
I was so shocked that I lost grip of the phone and I dropped it. Hearing the sound, he came out and was speechless. Not ready to look at me in the eye or give me an explanation... I didn't know what to say either. All I asked him was, ‘Why?’
The next morning, I packed my bag and moved out from his apartment. Although I was feeling disappointed but I also felt liberated at the same time. People don’t change, and if they do, their actions make it evident, not words.
I took a break from relationships. I realized during this time that it wasn’t true love that I felt when I was with him. My mind had been turning more toxic by the day. I was a prisoner to my thoughts and insecurities - and after cutting him off, I was at peace. I remember a friend telling me once, ‘If he could hurt you once, he could very well do it again.’ Now I knew (and believed) what she had meant. I was determined to never let this happen again.
Now, I’m ready to fall in love again… But this time, at my own pace and with someone who is truly worth my love.
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Published on Nov 22, 2016