My ex and I broke up three years back. It feels strange to talk about having any feelings for him now, since we’ve both moved on in our lives. But here I am, talking about something that mostly comes and goes as a passing thought, but to some degree lingers on in my mind - maybe I’m still in love with my ex.
I was madly in love with him and we had a great five years together. We built a life of our own and I was planning our future together as well. But apparently, it was just me who was thinking about it. It took me a while to realize after things started going south between us that our relationship wasn’t really heading in the direction that I had imagined. It was tough but I had to pull the plug and walk out. It was never going to work out.
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It wasn’t easy to let go since I really wanted this for the rest of my life, so getting over him was pretty difficult. In this post break-up phase, I waited for him to turn around and catch up with me where we had left. Then there were some rebounds, I moved cities, there was a whole lot of travelling and I cried occasionally too. But the biggest surprise was when he started dating a friend of mine. To be fair, we had a lot of common friends, and before we started dating, we were friends too. So basically, I had to see him often and it was unavoidable. Every time I would see him talk to her, it felt like he was talking to me and that would take me back to the time we shared together.
Slowly, I started dreaming about him and not to forget- addressing my present boyfriend with his name too. That was weird. The little moments, “Facebook memories”, tokens that we had exchanged then, his pictures, his voice and us together in bed. All of this would come to me in sudden gushes.
The way he looks at me when I talk to another guy, the way he talks to his girlfriend and the stupid jokes we made along with his worse comebacks - all this transports me to the happier times we shared a few years back, and then I find myself standing there and trying to comprehend these feelings. Is it just that the fond memories of those days that had left such a mark that they cannot be replaced or recreated?
I wonder if this means something or it’s just a passing phase. It surely makes me think of us together again and again. The strange thing is that I love my current boyfriend, he is exactly the person with whom I’d want to spend the rest of my life. I truly feel blessed and appreciated being with him. There is a sense of belonging and care that cannot be compared to anything I have had in my life before. I am certain about it this time and so is he. We are walking in the same direction.
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But maybe I am secretly still in love with my ex or maybe I am in love with the feeling of being in love for the first time. I don’t know what it is, but this is a major secret that I cannot reveal to most people in my life and will just wait for these thoughts to pass! Surely, they will, given the fact that I am consciously trying to make a life that is better for me rather than being stuck on someone whose plans for the future didn’t feature me in them.
We all have secrets and some of them are best hidden. Also, nothing lasts forever and surely these emotions will vanish too.
Published on Oct 04, 2016