Dev and I worked in the same department and since we were of the same designation we would always be together. The transition from colleagues to friends happened pretty quick. We would eat our lunch together and after lunch we often went for a walk with other colleagues.
We would often quarrel over small things, I guess that’s a part of being friends. All other colleagues would often tease us for fighting so much. However, our fights wouldn’t last long for we just couldn’t stay long without talking to each other.
And soon, we started spending more time with each other even after office hours. We started travelling to and from work together and after work we would chat for hours. We often bunked office and went for movies.
Gradually, I started developing feelings for him but since I was not sure if he thought of me as more than just friends, I kept it to myself. I thought it was just a phase and I would get over it soon. But the feeling was getting stronger day by day.
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However, I never had the guts to tell him about my feelings. Even if he liked me the question was - then what? Somehow, I knew that he is not the right one for me. Yes we were very good friends but that doesn’t necessarily mean that we would be good at the relationship thing. Just having feelings for someone isn’t always enough.
After more than a year of working together, he decided to quit as he wanted to focus on the preparation of his upcoming exams. I knew I would miss him terribly. I didn’t know how I would survive in the office without him being around.
Surprisingly, things didn't really change. We still continued to talk and in fact, would meet on some weekends after he was done with his exams. At times I felt that he always had an idea that I had something for him. But I just didn't know how he felt, he was a bit reserved when it came to sharing his feelings.
We met on a cold December evening and I thought it’s going to be just like our regular meetings. After dinner, we headed back to the car - I had to drop him to the metro station. Just as we sat in the car it started raining heavily. So we sat in the car and started talking while waiting for the rain to subside. Suddenly, he asked me to tell him about what I felt about him. And guess what, after he literally started begging me, I did eventually tell him that I had a crush on him. And then I asked him the same thing. To my surprise, he said that he also liked me. We both laughed about how we kept our feelings hidden so well from each other. Just like me he was also unsure about us being in a relationship and we talked about it.
The rain and the talk made the ambience a bit romantic. We held each other’s hand and soon my head was resting on his shoulder. It felt like a happy place to be as we sat in silence listening to the raindrops falling on the car.
Next, he held my face and came forward to kiss me. I have no idea why but I moved away a little and he got the signal. We were still holding hands… And again after a few minutes of silence he came close to me again and I reacted the same way. Thank god, he didn’t feel offended. It wasn't that I felt odd or I was afraid...the reaction was impulsive. At that moment I just was not ready to kiss him.
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The rain slowed down and in a short time we headed to the metro station to drop him. I drove back home with a weird feeling in my stomach. I just couldn't believe what had happened.
Months later, whenever I thought of that evening, I always wished if I could get a redo at it and actually kiss him. It was, after all, the most romantic set up!
Later, we moved to different cities and nothing ever worked out between us. But till date, I regret not kissing him that night.
* Names changed to protect privacy.
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Published on Sep 08, 2016