I was in a relationship with Anil, but one day I ended up kissing another guy. It happened rather spontaneously and though I was a bit surprised by what happened, that kiss felt... right.
So, what happened? After being with my boyfriend for over two years, I had started to feel that I didn’t love him. I got more convinced about this when I became friends with Aakash. We would spend time together, all day in college and after classes as well. Because his PG was near my flat, he would come over often. In a couple of months, we grew really close to each other; so much so that I often told him things that I had never told my boyfriend. It wasn’t just infatuation, it was something more… my feelings for him grew stronger with time, and no matter how much I tried to ignore them, I just couldn’t.
My boyfriend started feeling a little insecure about Aakash and would often tell me to stay away from him. And I even tried doing so, but it didn’t help.
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Everybody around me sensed that there was something going on between Aakash and me. Even I kind of knew it was developing into something more than friendship but I was just not ready to accept it. How could I accept that I had feelings for my friend when I claimed to be in love with someone else already? And even worse, how could I tell my boyfriend this? How could I tell anyone about this? How do I explain these contradictory feelings?
I would stay up all night thinking about this, and with each passing day it kept getting all the more difficult for me. I couldn’t understand why this was happening to me. Then one night I just poured my heart out to Aakash, and while I was talking he kissed me. I kissed him back, and it didn’t feel wrong.
I knew I had to tell Anil about it. It had gone too far and I needed to confess to him what I felt for Aakash. So, I gathered all the courage I could, looked him in the eyes and told him everything, two days after that kiss happened. I kind of had an inkling that he saw this coming but nothing could prepare me for that disgusted expression he had on his face.
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It’s been a year since the day I told Anil the truth, and I have finally understood what happened with me. When I met Anil, I was in love with the idea of love, and just started liking him. He also liked me and we started seeing each other and eventually got into a relationship. The idea of love I had was influenced by all the romantic books I read and all the movies I grew up watching. I was never in love with him.
But when I met Aakash, I felt what falling in love really meant, and I couldn’t ignore it. I still feel guilty for hurting Anil. But I had to tell him, it was the right thing to do. It was a difficult thing to do but we both wouldn’t have been happy together.
* Names changed to protect privacy.
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Published on Aug 08, 2016