“A broken heart and a broken smile, into the darkness I wander... Is there solace that I will find? Or to the pain I have to surrender?”
These were the last few lines of my diary entry… my last one before I burnt away 2 years worth of memories. I had no idea what a heartbreak felt like, until the day I found out that my boyfriend had been cheating on me. It happened during my college days. As deep and innocent first love is, it is equally difficult to forget and let go of. My fairy tale had ended and my world had turned upside down in a heartbeat.
Surprisingly, in this time period, two of my very close friends told me that they had feelings for me. I even tried to work things out with one of them, but I just could not bring myself to trust anyone again. I couldn’t feel the way I had felt for my boyfriend and that just made it worse. I was done.
It took me around a year and a half to actually convince myself that our relationship was over. Heartbreak had killed my faith in love. I built a wall around myself and no one was allowed to enter. How could you get hurt if you never loved again, right?
By the time I joined my first job I had trained my mind to just focus on my career and nothing else. And I was doing just that when Akash entered my life. We were in the same training class, and though I had noticed him, I never actually spoke to him. One day, as I was sitting at the break area with my friends, he stopped by and asked me if I was in the same section as him. That is how we first spoke.
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In a matter of days, we went from passing casual smiles to having coffee together during our break. He was a bit shy. Unlike me, he wasn’t a big talker. Despite that, I never felt uncomfortable around him. Talking to him seemed like the most natural thing to do. We started going out for long walks in the evenings.
One evening, as we were strolling, I felt his hand touch mine, but I acted as if I did not notice it. And then, he gently slipped his hand through mine and looked at me. I stared back at him, not knowing what to say.
“I am sorry, did I make you uncomfortable?” he asked, still holding my hand.
“No”, I said involuntarily.
Various thoughts were rushing through my head. “What was happening? Was this happening for real? He doesn’t know about my past yet. What will happen when he comes to know?” While I didn’t know the answer to the last question, the answers to the others I didn’t want to know. But how much longer could I really ignore the reality? Deep inside my heart, I knew I was feeling things that I didn’t think I was capable of feeling anymore.
Akash and I would talk on the phone for hours about the most random things on the planet. While a part of me liked what was happening, there also was this constant dilemma about whether I should let my feelings take over or hold onto my decision of not going this way again.
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After days of contemplation, I decided that the best thing at that point was to tell him everything about my past. So I did, and I expected a lot of questions… A LOT. He asked me none. He listened and assured me that it was for the best. I did not know how to react.
A month and a half later we were out for lunch and talking about each other’s college days. He was telling me about his crushes when he said, “But I think I won’t have crushes anymore.”
“Why?” I asked.
“Because I have fallen in love with you,” he said. For a minute I was speechless. My brain wasn’t working. I knew I felt the same. But was it the right thing to do? In that moment, I got the answer and I said, “I love you too”
And that is how my love story began. It’s been 2 years since that day and we have fought, laughed, cried, endured the long distance thing, shared our deepest darkest secrets and yet nothing has been able to break us.
He is the love of my life, and I found him exactly when I had stopped looking for love. I guess people are right when they say love always finds a way.
*Names changed to protect privacy
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Published on Aug 01, 2016