It was just another normal day at work when my Facebook messenger buzzed and turned out my ex had left me a message. It was totally unexpected because we hadn’t been in touch for six years. My heart started beating faster; I was both excited and anxious. I got so overwhelmed that my eyes welled with tears.
I read the message which was more of an apology from Samar. He had written that all these years he had been feeling guilty about whatever had happened between the two of us and that he just wanted to end the bitterness between us.
A lot of questions came to my mind after reading his message. Why did he message me after all these years? He didn’t feel guilty when he left me for another girl, so how come suddenly he is sorry for that? He didn’t look sorry when he totally ignored all the effort I was putting in to make our relationship work.
So, why now? When I’m happy with another guy and life finally seems to be stable? I had to get answers, so I replied, “Why now?” And then we had a long conversation; he patiently answered all my questions, accepted all his mistakes and apologized for everything.
Yes, he seemed different now… more mature. He didn’t sound like the immature boy that he once was. And guess what he looks better too with his new rugged look. Argghhh FML!
We chatted for long; sorting out old issues, updating each other about our lives and revisiting old memories. Oh! How beautiful were those days; young, innocent, first love. I have never been able to feel for any guy, the way I felt for him… not even my present boyfriend. He was my first love and nobody can take the place he has in my life.
Our conversation got me thinking and I felt that it wasn’t right to blame him for everything that went wrong between us. We both were kids at that time. I was a naïve 14-year-old girl madly in love and he was a 14-year-old guy who wanted to see the world and wasn’t quite ready to settle down just yet. So,after three years we had broken up.
Now that he had initiated a conversation, I decided to send him a friend request on Facebook, to reconnect with him (and also to stalk). He didn’t accept my request for days and this upset me and bruised my ego. So, I started searching for him on other social media platform and stumbled upon his Instagram profile. His entire feed was filled with photos of him with a girl. A very pretty girl. The sight of him with someone else made me feel uncomfortable. It was not a happy feeling. Why was I feeling bad? So what if he has a girlfriend? I am also in a relationship with another guy. I tried to reason with myself, yet I couldn’t bring myself to calm down and accept the situation as it was.
For days I couldn’t stop thinking about him, I wondered if I would feel as jealous if I saw any other ex of mine with another girl. And I knew I wouldn’t feel anything. Why did I feel so strongly about Samar being with another girl? I guess, that’s what first love is all about.
The whole incident made me understand that sometimes you fall in love with a person and don’t fall out of it. The relationship might not last but the feelings will stay with you. He might be your first love, second or last but he will always be a part of your life. But the question is, would you go back to that person if given a chance?
My answer is no, I wouldn’t go back to Samar. But, that doesn’t change the fact that he’ll always have a special place in my heart. He’s the one who’ll always bring back those wonderful memories of falling in love for the first time, the one who made my heart skip a beat and the one who can bring tears to my eyes even years later.
But the reality of life is, you cannot linger on your memories; you have to move on. Moving on doesn’t mean forgetting or being indifferent to the person who once meant the world to you… it means learning to live without him. Samar is the one who will always remain in my heart. The one I loved with all my heart. The one I tried to keep till the very end and the one that got away…
* Names changed to protect privacy.
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Published on Jun 08, 2016