Around nine months ago, I experienced the worst phase of my life. I was supposed to get married in a couple of months but he broke up our engagement. We were friends before we started dating and my whole life had revolved around this relationship. And when our marriage got fixed, I was the happiest I had ever been in my life… I felt like nothing could go wrong. But it did, and in a rather horrible way.
I was busy planning our wedding day - my lehenga, the photographers, venue, pre-wedding shoot, ceremonies - and imagining life after marriage - moving to a new place, our honeymoon and a happily ever after. But all of my dreams shattered right in front of my eyes. What do you do when your whole life takes such an ugly turn? How do you mend your broken heart? I went through denial; I didn’t want to accept the reality and let go of all the wonderful things I had expected from my marriage. I felt like I would never be able to get over this phase of my life.
A month went by with me moping and breaking down often. I couldn’t understand what was happening. I kept wondering, "Why me? What have I done to deserve this?”
It was even more painful to see my parents suffer. Friends and family kept asking them what went wrong. And along with answering them, my parents had to deal with the whole ‘will our daughter be able to start a new life?’ question they had in their minds. I was the reason for so much sorrow in their life and this hurt me more.
I did not want to go out of my house and face people. I was the talk of the town at that moment - nothing more than a piece of gossip for people for a few months. I searched blogs, googled pages and asked friends who had experienced heartbreak how I could get over this phase of my life. I did every possible thing I could sitting on the couch at my house to help myself. And every page, blog, person gave me the same answer: TIME! “Give it some time”, they said.
Some even said, “You will eventually find someone else.” But what they did not understand was that it wasn’t about finding someone else. At the moment, the only thing I wanted was for the pain to disappear. I was not even thinking about another man in my life.
After a couple of months, I decided that I was done wallowing in self pity and I just could not bear feeling like shit anymore. I knew I had to start moving on. And I had to do that one day at a time.
So, I got a job and it turned out to be the best thing I could do during that time. Staying isolated was only making things worse. The effort it took to get out of my house and go to the workplace was immense, but at least I was making progress. I was getting somewhere, even if it wasn’t the place I had intended to be.
Things did not get better immediately, but as the time went by, I started having a better perspective about life. The pain started appearing at intervals, instead of being there all the time. I could sometimes breathe without my chest hurting and that was an achievement for me.
One fine morning, I got the news that he was engaged. My worst nightmare had come true. I couldn't sleep that night. Not for one second. But then, I did not shed a single tear. I believed that the thought of him being with someone else had the capacity to kill me. But it didn't, because I had consciously made an effort to prepare myself for this day. Had I still been sitting all alone at home and crying over what had happened, this news would have completely broken me.
All those wonderful memories and feelings came back to me. I could have called my best friend and told her what I was going through so that I could feel better, but I knew I had to get through this on my own. I had to let go of him and his memories. I knew it was all over, it was just that I had to ready myself for it. I needed closure.
Today, I can say that I have healed myself and I am looking forward to where my life takes me. I am not bitter anymore. Yes, when the tragedy happened, I thought it was unbearable. But I held on for the people around me - they didn’t deserve to be punished. Time and my determination to not stay in the same place in life helped me get over the worst.
The whole experience taught me that pain makes a person stronger and more compassionate towards other people, because you realize that everyone is struggling through tough times in their lives.
You might think things will never be better again, but if you just hold on for one more day, you’ll look back and see how far you have come. Things will get better. Maybe not immediately, but they will. Just believe in yourself and hold onto your courage. Take things one day at a time.
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Published on Jun 16, 2016