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#MyStory: Why I Can Never *Hate* Him For Leaving Me...


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Blair Waldorf in Gossip Girl once said, "We make our own fairytales.” She couldn’t have put it any better. The closest I could get to my fairytale was in the summer of 2014 when I was in London. I had gone there for a short course at the London School of Economics. Sharad, a guy whom I had met earlier through a common friend, was there for his convocation.

We both hung out often and had a great time in London. One evening when he was leaving a small party in my hostel room, I went to see him off. As soon as the elevator doors closed, I could feel his hands on my waist and his entire body touching mine. The next moment we were kissing; we kissed till the elevator reached the ground floor. The goodbye was a little awkward and then he left. I went back and rejoined the party. However, my mind was occupied with what had happened between us, I knew that it was just a spur of the moment thing and nothing more was going to happen.

The next morning, I woke up to a really sweet text from him; he asked me out for a date. It turned out to be one of the best evenings and dates of my life. He took me to this fancy cafe where we enjoyed a nice conversation along with delicious cheesecakes and fine wine. We had more such beautiful moments; we took long walks at the Oxford Street, kissed in the London Eye and had dinner at The Shard. I was living my fairytale… and without even realising, I fell for him. It was very unexpected.

But like every good thing comes to an end; it was time for us to leave London and head back to India. We were based in different cities, so we promised each other that we will make an effort to meet often. We stayed in touch and met as often as we could for almost a year. We had grown really close and I was in love with him.

Internal love without expectations

One day when we were chatting over coffee, he told me something that left me in shock. These were his exact words, "You're the right person for me and I love you, but, it's not the right time for us." I did not know how to react. I had no idea what to say… I just had so many questions crowding my mind. "What does he mean, it's not the right time?" , "Is it just an excuse to dump me?"

It took me some time to come to terms with what he had done. Then I went into denial; I thought he was being immature and will soon realise that he had made a mistake. After a couple of months, I tried to reason with him and make him change his decision. I tried my best to make it work but he had made up his mind and was not ready to change. "We are not together doesn't mean I don’t love you," he said. I know this is the lamest thing anyone can say but when it comes to him all my judgement / wisdom fails.

I spoke to few friends and realised that commitment issue among boys is rather common and a lot of girls my age are dealing with this. I fail to understand why men are so scared of commitment. They claim to love the girl but then why are they afraid of committing to a relationship?

Sharad and I still are still in touch; I know there is no future for us but still there is a slight hope within me that things might change. Though I have gone out for dates with other guys I have not been able to get over him. Honestly speaking, I don’t want to get over him right now. Just the thought of him and the memories of the times spent with him make me happy.

I know, eventually I will get over him and might even be mad at him for what he did to me. But for now he is still very dear to me.

And this whole episode with him has taught me something… To love without any expectation. And I will always look back at it and be thankful that it happened.

* Names changed to protect privacy.

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Images: Shutterstock

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