I have always been a chubby kid, and as I grew up not much changed. I am not exorbitantly oversized, but let's just say I have to always look for sizes XL and above.
For any normal girl, shopping is an exciting thing to do over the weekend with friends or when a salary bonus is granted, but for me shopping is stressful. I only shop when I feel I am running out of things to wear. Why, you ask? Because it's awkward and bordering on humiliating at times. For instance, when I step into a store and start exploring some random clothes on display, some salesman inevitably interrupts and says “Madam your size clothes are on the other side of the store.” I have no choice but to either move to the “other side” of the store or to just walk out to show my anger.
Those few times when I do manage to find clothes which are my size and, at the same time, are not repulsive or boring (because for some reason the companies who manufacture clothes feel that only slim and petite women deserve stylish and beautiful clothes), I know that I have another ordeal to deal with - trying them on.
Over the years I have learned to love my body just the way it is (also, I do try to work towards a healthier one), but I would be lying if I say that I am not a little shamed and intimidated by all the mirrors in the trial room, which emphatically capture every inch of the body I am not particularly proud of. As I start trying the clothes on, my self esteem starts to take a nosedive; something doesn’t fit properly on my boobs, sometimes a top hugs my body too tight and shows my tummy, sometimes a pair of jeans that I try on just squish my waist. It is not a nice feeling at all.
Most of the times, I prefer shopping all alone. Not because I want to, but because I don’t want to feel embarrassed in front of someone I know when 3 shops in a row do not have my size, when I ask the salesman for a bigger size, when a random person judges me and tells me, “Madam, this size is small for you, try XXL” and most of all when I have to come out of the trial room and show that person every single outfit I try, conscious of the other people in the store gawking at me, making me feel even worse.
I know that one should love his/her body, and honestly I do, at least I try. But let's face it, the society we live in has always convinced us that being a plus size is an embarrassment, a blunder and even an abnormality. What’s more, most of the high fashion brands do not have plus sized clothes because, for some reason, they think that girls like me do not like to dress up.
Yes I want to get into better shape, and yes, I want to be a healthier person and I am working towards it, but just because I am not the conventional hourglass-figured girl, I do not deserve to be publically humiliated or questioned for the way I look. I am beautiful and I am proud of who I am. Whatever I do and whatever I wear, I believe in walking with my head held high, and I also believe in what Marilyn Monroe said - “Smile is the best makeup a girl can wear.”