I am 23 years old and I’ve never had sex - and I don’t really want to either. Yes, you heard me right. You’d want to ask me why… Don’t worry, I won’t get offended - I get asked that question way too often. I grew up in the capital city, in the midst of rather broad minded friends and family - yet I cannot help but flinch at the thought of having sex.
To be honest, the pain associated with sex scares me to death. While I’ve heard things like “It hurts just the first few times”, I still can’t get myself to give it a shot.
I could even make my peace with the pain, I think, but what about the pressing question that pops into my head each time I think of having sex; Is he The One? You see, I am a very sensitive girl. I believe in Shah Rukh Khan’s “Pyaar sirf ek baar hota hai” and a happily ever after. So I’m very scared of losing my virginity to a guy I may not end up with. As much as in love I may be with the guy, the minutest possibility of the relationship not working out, leading to my inevitable heartbreak is something I think I won't be able to endure. Especially after I’ve had sex with the guy - given up all my inhibitions and let him explore the most intimate part of myself. For me, with such intimacy comes trust, love and lifelong commitment.
Finally comes the question that sends shivers down my spine… What if I get pregnant? I mean just what if… You hear such freak stories all the time. Girls miscalculating their period dates, drunken unprotected sex or even the condom breaking. And what if that actually happens to me (given that I’m particularly prone to such clumsiness), what will I tell my parents? My overly paranoid mind goes on a roller coaster of possible freak accidents and how they all chronologically lead to pregnancy. I immediately drop the idea and think to myself, this can’t be worth trying.
Keeping all these questions aside, there is also my mental block. As modern as we are, we all know that the Indian society objects to the idea of pre-marital sex. This completely natural physical process is considered acceptable only if you are married. Such kind of societal rigidity is also part of the reason that I don’t want to lose my virginity just yet. After having sex, I may feel guilty and may feel that I have let my parents down.
As far as my friends are concerned, most of them are sexually active, either with their long-term boyfriends or indulging in casual hookups. Needless to say, I feel quite left out, but I’m also rather amused by their sex centric discussions on positions, fantasies, bdsm (inspired by 50 Shades of Grey, obviously) and so on. So I do enjoy the occasional sex ed class with my girlfriends. Almost everyone around me is exploring their sexuality at this age. And trust me, they have a lot to share. Some say it's overrated, while others say nothing gives you a rush like an orgasm.
On the other hand, movies showcase sex like it’s the most satisfying and sensual feeling in the world - almost making me desperate to experience it. I’ve also been told that once you experience it, sex can be very addictive! People have termed it “the bunny phase” where partners at the start of a relationship want to have sex like bunnies all the time. The first time I heard that term, the naïve girl I am, I thought it was synonymous with puppy love. Honestly speaking, hearing so many people's’ experiences and varied opinions makes me very curious about the actual experience. So many questions spring up in my overactive brain each time I deliberate the idea of having sex…. I wonder how good it would feel? Will I be able to bear the pain? Will I feel really nervous getting so intimate with someone? Will I end up laughing to his face? Will I embarrass myself? Or even worse, will he love me after seeing me unclothed and having lost all inhibitions?
Regardless of all these temptations and my own curiosity, I still choose to wait for my Knight in Shining Armor to come sweep me off my feet. Until then, it’s my body, my choice.
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Published on May 17, 2016