I have been labelled as many things at different times over the past few years. I have been called a “slut”, a “whore”, “completely dependent”, “clingy”, a “gold-digger” - and that’s just a few names to begin with. I am however, none of those things. I believe in love. I believe in falling in love, fast and hard. I also believe that love does fade away. I believe in things that make love work. Hope, greed, envy and expectations. These are the things that fuel love. At least for me. Sometimes you fall in love with the wrong people and you realise this after you have been with them. Experience is the only thing that teaches you what you need to know. Experience is unbiased, experience is clarity.
I fall in love almost instantly and if provoked can fall out as soon as I fell in. Even great relationships end, and sometimes, no matter how hard you try, you realize that some people are just not meant to be.
I’ve been in many relationships and almost all of them were very meaningful to me. The different men that I have been with have taught me much about life and the world in general. I wasn’t in love with all of them but some I loved dearly. Some have just been disappointing. I need my relationships to be meaningful, no matter how short they are. Many think I do it for the casual sex, but the truth is, in most relationships I didn’t even reach that stage at all. I don’t like being single but that also doesn’t mean that I can’t take my time to decide just how serious I want to be with/about someone.
But why do I never stay single? Is it because I crave the attention? Do I long for a fairy-tale love? Do I yearn to find the love that I have always been looking for? But I have found moments of glorious love and I am happy. No love is perfect, but to expect it to be so-so version of love is to demean love in the first place. When I move on from a relationship, I do it completely. I pick up the pieces that either of us left behind and burn them because I don’t believe in being hung up in the past. I do not understand when people tell me that I was never in love because I move on so quickly. I don’t know why people don’t understand that it is my choice to move on at the pace I set for myself and not what the world thinks it ought to be.
I don’t stay single because I feel like I shouldn’t be denied of someone’s love and vice-versa. I love the attention yes, but more than that, I love the little things. Waking up and asking him if he’d like some tea, taking silent walks together, looking into his eyes and seeing his distant dreams. This is what I live for. The beauty that love adds to life.
I am grateful that I learned so much from the men that I have been with. I have dated many men and I have finally found the one. Am I in love with him because I need him more than I love him? No, I love him because he makes me a better person. I love him because when I am with him, I feel like I am one with the world. Maybe this was what I was looking for all along. Another heart that beats along with my my own.