I am a dominating girlfriend. Am I ashamed of that? No, I am not. The fact is that the world takes everything on its face value. Like everything else, isn’t dominating a relative term too? And why is it that I am seen as dominating and just that? Is it not possible that I may also be the more caring one? Or may be the one who takes the first step to clear a misunderstanding?
I am someone who likes to be in control - at work, at home and in bed too. I like to be the one to pick out the place we go to for dinner. I like to be the one who decides how things will go about the house and I like to be the one who decides how the finances work. I do not do this to prove that I am superior to my boyfriend. It is just the way I am.
Some people may argue, “You have no idea how it feels to be dominated by someone you love so much that you can’t even break up with him/her over it”. Well, I do. I have also had a dominating boyfriend. And although we loved each other dearly, many times I felt as though I was in a free fall, and that feeling of losing all control is still etched in my being. Growing up, I was always told that a guy is stronger, and all that coupled with my free fall experience led me to becoming the control freak that I am. That is what I seek - control. I do not want to imply that my boyfriend is inferior to me, I just want to make sure I am always in control.
My boyfriend knows me for who I am, beyond the obvious me that the other people see and he is fine with it. Sometimes the compulsive need of being in control does lead me to say mean things to him and even do things that upset or emotionally hurt him. For instance if I don’t like a particular friend of his, I will ask him to cut off all contact, because I am not comfortable with that person being around either of us. It is at this point that my impulse becomes a flaw and I am willing to work on it. I do not like being a difficult person. But it is not an easy thing to change about yourself. To accept your flaws and to work on them, especially when they are so deep rooted, is easier said than done.
While I do accept that certain things about me are flawed, I refuse to give into the image of being a “sadist” which I am portrayed to be many times. Also, had it been the other way round and my boyfriend had been the dominating one, it might have felt “normal” to a lot of people. Isn’t that something we all know as a dirty secret of our society?
I want to be valued and loved, and I also give back in the same manner. Everyone has the right to be flawed, and so do I. I love my boyfriend, a lot. He means the world to me. And nothing can ever change that.