It's been nearly 6 months since we have been apart. 1585.4 kms apart. That is a lot of kilometers, but they still don’t even begin to describe how much I miss you. Yes we talk via calls and texts and occasionally Skype, but it is not the same because none of those can make me feel how it feels when you have your arms around me. They don’t make me feel the way I feel when you intertwine your fingers with mine, or the way I feel when you smile at me and your eyes sparkle. The whole world just feels a whole lot better when you’re next to me, in person.
Being in the same timezone isn’t exactly helping our case, because we are still on different work schedules - and that tiny 20 minute slot where we both are free to talk to each other? That is what keeps me going through the day.
“Distance makes the heart grow fonder” - true, but also, distance makes the nights longer. There are nights when I just can’t go to sleep because every time I close my eyes, all our memories begin to show up from the remotest corners of my heart and my head. And then when I open my eyes, they are inevitably wet because I know it's going to be a very long time before we can make some more memories like those.
It's not really the big things or moments in life that make me long for you even more - in fact, it’s the smaller, more tender moments that force me to zone out and be one with you in my own cloud of imagination. I sometimes smell a scent similar to your favorite cologne and turn around half expecting to find you there. I hear someone say a phrase or a word that we share an inside joke on and I randomly laugh out aloud. I see the small crooked tea shop we used have tea at and I take a detour, because its taste momentarily takes me to a happy place where we are together.
It is really hard, to not be able to hold your hand while I walk back home, to not be able to hug you and tell you “it’s going to be okay”, to not be able to make up after a fight by treating you to a chocolate or your favorite butterscotch ice cream, to not be able to call you and say “let's meet” and expect to see you in the next 30 minutes. It's hard, but I know it's all going to be worth it when we someday start living the life we have always envisaged together.
I have choked several times while writing this letter, but every time I have, I also told myself that this is for us. This is our test and we will get through this. I can see that this distance, although painful, has made us stronger and brought us closer. We have learnt to trust each other and give each other the space we need to be happy as individuals. Our hugs and kisses have become deeper and more passionate because we know how long we will have to wait before those moments can be replicated.
No one and nothing can ever replace what we have - and so my love, I will wait for this wait to end someday.
“The miles aren’t strong enough, to bring us down and apart.
You may not be around so much, but you're still the beat in my heart.”