I love my boyfriend, and he loves me back. And all is good between us - except that I don’t want to have sex with him.
Doesn’t he ask for it, you’re thinking? Yes, he does. Oh, so often. He is the one person I get tired of explaining to, why I can’t. And no, he ain’t some pervert who keeps pestering me for sex. He just wants me…entirely, when we’re intimate. He hates nothing more than me asking him to stop mid-way, only because I feel like I’ll lose control and give in. And many a times, I almost have as well. But every time, something just snaps inside me - and I push away.
I am a virgin, and whatever else the world may say, my first time is important to me - and I will do everything I can to make it special. And so, I don’t want to fret over having sex with my boyfriend, and then fret even more after it. And, fret I will. I will fret over what might happen, if hypothetically, my parents were to find out - and I will also fret over what might happen if things don’t work out with him.
And then, there’s my fertile imagination. You see, when I imagine having sex - it’s always perfect in my head. But my favourite part about my own imagined sex scene is the part where we cuddle and sleep and wake up next morning happier than ever before. THAT is what I am most scared of - that if I do have sex with my boyfriend, it will be a rushed moment where I’ll quickly have to wrap up and go home after. I won’t have my beautiful, carefree, happy morning after.
And that’s just one thing - I have other silly little concerns as well. I worry that if I do have sex with my boyfriend, I’d just become a number for him - another one of those many women he has slept with. And that’s not how I want him to think of me, even if we do not end up together. Plus, if I have sex with him once, who’s to say that I’ll keep myself from doing it again and again and again - and then wouldn’t our relationship become just about that?
I know they may sound like naive concerns to you - and trust me, I have googled and talked to my friends enough to know that sex is not such a big deal, and neither is your first time when you’re with the right man…
But that is my biggest concern of all… If my boyfriend is the right man? I love him, yes - and I know he loves me too. Yet, I have my doubts. And when it’s true love, you shouldn’t have any doubts, right?
So, I am just waiting for that moment when I’ll be sure. ‘Coz my first time can’t be perfect unless I am absolutely sure about it. Right? Right.