How are you doing? How is your brand new “perfectly awesome” relationship going? I am sure it must be going great. Why shouldn’t it? You have everything you ever wanted, don’t you?
I am not writing this to fret about us breaking up, nor am I writing this to insult or demean you and your new girlfriend. I am writing this simply because the last time we met, I had left a few things unsaid and I hate to leave things unfinished.
It’s been 3 years since we broke up, and I still remember that day vividly. Till that point in my life, it was probably the most devastating moment for me. I had rosy dreams of true love and a fairytale romance. With you, I had thought all those dreams had magically come to life. I fell in love with you thinking you to be my Prince Charming, the guy who was compassionate, understanding and intelligent - the guy who knew what love meant and that it had nothing to do with height, weight, color, religion, creed or anything else. You took around a year to prove me wrong.
It was after a year of our relationship that we started having fights and arguments over petty things, most of which were apparently my fault. My cute habits became irritating, our quality time became suffocating and my calls were met with call waiting all the time. You felt like a different person altogether and yet I was so in love with you that I failed to see what was right in front of my eyes. The whole world saw it and a dozen people tried to make me see it. But I guess I loved you a little too much. And then one day amidst one of our arguments you blurted out that you were cheating on me with someone. And no, you didn’t stop at that, you were nice enough to answer the why too. “I cheated on you because you are fat. I don’t want to be with you. My friends make fun of you and then they make fun of me. I cheated on you with Swati. She is perfect and she loves me too. We look great together. Everyone says so. Please stop bothering me. It’s over.”
That is when you walked out of there and I crumpled on the floor, my eyes welling with tears of hurt and sadness and shock. I couldn’t believe my ears. Had it always been like this? Had YOU always been like this? I was always overweight, it’s not like I had gained weight after you and I started going out. Then why did you continue with me on this road if you had a problem with my looks?
Do you know how many sleepless nights I spent? Do you know how much I cried - in washrooms, in college grounds when they were empty, in my room? Do you know how harshly I criticized myself for being the way I was? No, you don’t. My life was laced with your memories, your gifts, our pictures, greeting cards, places where we used to sit together - and now everything made me cry. I knew nothing would ever be the same again.
In one stroke you managed to break my heart and my self-confidence, and I will always both remember and thank you for that. Your broke my heart and made it stronger - it now knows to differentiate between fragile vibes and strong connections. You broke my self-confidence, and in the process of rebuilding it I learnt so much about myself. I learnt that in the midst of loving you I had undervalued myself, I had put my dreams and aspirations second to yours and I had sacrificed a part of me just so you wouldn’t feel insecure. True love would never demand this - and, in fact, it would never let me do this. You did not deserve to be loved the way I loved you.
I became much stronger and even more confident than before. I understood that I could take much more pain and pressure than I thought I could. It was a lucky, lucky thing I lost you, because you deserved to lose me. I learnt that my weight had nothing to do with our break-up - it had to do with your misconception of love and your shallow thoughts. Who gave you the right to pass judgement on me? My weight is not what defines me - it is my thoughts, my actions, my emotions, my skills, my talent and my intent that does.
You never saw me for who I really am, and so I am glad we never made it further. It would have just hurt more had it happened later on in life.
I don’t know whether you are still the same person or if you have changed for better or for worse - all I want to say to you is that if we ever cross paths again, my eyes and my heart will not hold any memories or recognition for you. Not out of anger, but because I decided that I never want to remember that I knew you. I am still overweight, but I am not the girl you knew. I love myself the way I am - and yes, I found someone else who does too.