All my life I have been a chubby kid. For as long as I remember people have made fun of me, stared at and joked about me, mindless of how much it affected me and clobbered my self-esteem. Every year, I gained around 10kgs. In 6th grade I was 50-ish, and by the time I reached 11th grade, I was 95. Almost a 100 kgs. As I gained weight, I became more and more conscious about myself.Whatever I did and wherever I went, I constantly worried about what people thought of me. As a result, I began losing whatever little self-confidence I had.
Every single day, I would promise myself, that I’d stop eating, in order to lose weight and every single time I would fail miserably.I couldn’t even make it through breakfast, let alone the day. Every time, I’d see food, I’d lose control and devour every bit of it. Bouts of frustration and despair followed and I would cry alone in the bathroom. Over the years, I developed temporary bulimia. For those of you who don’t know, bulimia is an emotional disorder characterised by a distorted body image and an excessive desire to lose weight, spells of which lead to extreme overeating followed by fasting and self-induced vomiting.
My mother understood all of this and tried to help me. She bought me pills, creams, oils and when nothing worked, we took the last step.I went through a non-operative intra-gastric balloon surgery. Post the surgery, I would keep puking since my stomach was not able to digest anything. By the time I completed 12th grade I had lost 15 Kgs. Though still overweight, it was a welcome change. I thought that after going through such a harrowing ordeal of surgery and recovery I would be happier, more accepted among people, and the taunts would finally decrease if not stop altogether, after all losing 15 Kgs was significant progress. But not much changed and I was still unhappy. In fact, I felt worse by the fact that my progress had not made any difference at all.
It took me around 6 months more, to realize that happiness was a choice. Only if I learnt to love myself the way I am, would I ever be happy. I had to learn not to be bothered by what people said. I should be doing what makes me happy and healthy. If at all I decide to lose weight, it should be because I want to be healthier and not because of the fear of people.
I still weigh 80kgs, and at times I just want to shed all my weight at once, and stop eating everything. Every day, I analyse my body to see whether I’ve lost weight or not. I am okay with not losing any but if I feel I’ve gained, I stop eating, and the bulimia comes back again. I don’t know how to get rid of this, but I know one thing for sure, and that is, no matter how hard you try, you will never be able to please everyone and frankly that shouldn’t be your goal. People will always have an opinion about you but you have to learn to keep your head high and smile.I am still laughed at, and I have learnt to laugh along. The comments don’t bother me as much as they did in the past, and I am more content with myself.
As Leo Tolstoy said, “If you want to be happy, be”.
Images: Shutterstock
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