I was 19 years old when I first faked an orgasm. It was with my first boyfriend while we were making out; he was very keen, I wasn’t - and the only way to end things seemed to be to make him believe he’d “satisfied” me. He and I broke up soon after, as it happened, and I had no cause to be faking anything for quite some time afterwards. At 21, I lost my virginity - this was with a guy I loved deeply, so I was
eager to be in bed with him. But to my surprise, I didn’t have an orgasm during sex.
I couldn’t understand this at all. I was turned on, and the current boyfriend was someone who’d managed to make me come many times over while we made out. I put it down to me being new at the whole sex thing - maybe I needed time to get used to it, to get over the discomfort, etc., etc. It was only several months later that I realized it wasn’t that. Especially since I was a girl who’d started masturbating in her late teens, and orgasms actually came very easily to me. I had been kissed to orgasm, fingered to orgasm, eaten out to orgasm by this boy - but every time we had intercourse, it was like my body would forget how to get there. I would enjoy the process tremendously, be immensely aroused...but never go over the edge. I couldn’t understand why. And so I did what I’d done before - I kept faking my orgasms. By the time I geared up enough nerve to talk to my boyfriend about it, it was too late - he did not take it as a betrayal of trust as I had worried he would, but it ended up making him question his “abilities”. The relationship did not last long after that.
I spent a lot of time reading up about female orgasms after that. The difference between clitoral and vaginal orgasms, and so on and so forth. I even spoke to a doctor. I learnt a lot - I tried stuff on myself. And I thought maybe I’d managed to “fix” the problem. But no. Next relationship - and it was exactly the same. I just could not climax during intercourse. I would come from everything except penetration. Even if my clitoris was being stimulated at the same time. And my experience with my previous boyfriend had left me so nervous that I never told him that half of what he thought were my orgasms, were faked. I loved having sex with him. More importantly, I loved him. I did not want to jeopardize the relationship because of this one thing. And it wasn’t even that important a thing for me - given that I could have orgasms whenever I wanted, whether through masturbation or with him during any form of sex that wasn’t penetration.
That relationship ended when we fell out of love with each other. I spent several years being single and therefore not worrying about this...thing. I even hooked up with a couple of guys and enjoyed sleeping with them. Orgasms during making out and oral sex; no orgasms during intercourse. Lather, rinse, repeat.
A few months ago, I started seeing someone else. We were both looking for a committed relationship that would eventually lead to something lasting and hopefully marriage, and so we decided to keep sex off the table for the initial period of the relationship. We wanted to figure out how compatible we actually were, physical intimacy aside. Which meant a lot of talking to each other. And I talked to him about this too.
“Does it bother you?” he asked me. “Sleeping with someone, and not climaxing?”
“No,” I told him. “It really doesn’t. Sex is about so much more… And you might find it hard to believe, but I love sex!”
“Hmm,” was his only response.
“Does it bother you?” I asked. “Knowing that we might end up spending our lives together, and I’d never come while you’re inside me?”
“It feels odd…” he said.
I felt my heart sinking.
“But not bad odd,” he continued. “Just...different.”
That was the moment I realized that he was the guy for me. Someone who might not understand something about me (hell, I didn’t understand that about me), but accepted it anyway.
“Besides,” he said, grinning broadly, “just think about all the crazy, out-there stuff we could try in bed - all for the higher purpose of bringing you to orgasm!”
I started laughing at him then. And I still smile when I think about it, when I am in bed with him and even when I am not. That I don’t have an orgasm during penetration has stopped mattering to me - because, really, sex is about so much more. Also, we really do try some seriously kinky stuff in bed, and probably have a way more exciting sex life than most people I know - so exciting that I dare not even tell my best friend about some of the things we’ve done for fear of her having a heart attack from shock.
I don’t feel weird about this peculiar characteristic of mine any longer, or “abnormal” in any way because I don’t have orgasms during sex. I’ve simply accepted that I’m just...differently made. And I guess it takes all sorts to make up the world. :-)
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